Royal Advice

I wanted to get up at 3 am to watch the royal wedding, I really did.

But I didn’t.

Instead I’m left looking forward to an evening spent watching the event of the century on TiVo while eating ice cream and a serious case of, “I’m so glad it’s them and not me!”

I heard experts are estimating 1/3 of the world’s population watched the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton via television or Internet today.

Talk about pressure!

On my wedding I was grateful to just make it through alive, having not fallen, had a Friends-esque wedding disaster moment, and end up married to a really awesome guy!

I didn’t have to worry about whether my wedding gown would set bridal fashions for a generation, if our kiss was passionate enough or if our wedding guests included all of the top power brokers in the world (like the Beckham’s and Mr. Bean.)

The honeymoon is rumored to be taking place in their Scottish castle with a mere 100 acres of surrounding countryside acting as a hedge against photographers.

In my own attempt to contribute to the marriage festivities, here are my recommendations for a great Scottish honeymoon.

1. Avoid the peat. Most of what I know about Scotland involves stores of peat moss being used as fire tinder. They say it’s very smokey, though, so I’m going to encourage the royals to avoid the smokey peat. No one wants a bride who is asphyxiated on her honeymoon from an ill-placed warming device.

2. Bring the fuzzy bunny slippers. Truth is, the photos of the castle I’ve seen are rather… Gloomy. And stone floors, they were good for the middle ages but modern carpeting has done wonders. To avoid the chill I recommend Kate ditch the guise of sexiness and just go for the fuzzy bunny slippers. William will love her more for it.

3. Stay away from the golf. This is really just a personal preference, but the game of golf was invented in Scotland. Did you know “golf” is actually an acronym? It stands for Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden. If the countrymen felt the need to have a special boys club a la the Little Rascals, I think William and Kate should just take their modern, feminist sensibilities and eschew the sport altogether.

What are your recommendations for the newly married lovebirds?

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