Road Trip Tips

At this very moment we are on the road! Using the iPad I’m going to take a few moments to record five simple tips for road trips:

Tip #1: Avert your eyes when visiting gas stations. I made the mistake of examining my surroundings too closely once in Sapulpa, OK. As I walked in the convenience store door what should I see but a heavily overweight man wearing a sleeveless white t-shirt that covered very little of his girth. The temperature was below freezing and he was coatless, but as I took a closer look I realized he had a built-in defense against the cold.

He was covered in more body hair than I’ve ever seen on a real person. It was literally a pelt of body hair. That sight rivaled our previous winner of strange gas station sightings (also in Oklahoma… coincidence?  I think not…) of seeing a woman sitting with an elk in her lap in the back of a Lexus sedan.

Tip #2: The security of seat restraints is less secure than we believe. Though we have the girls buckled in their car seats according to law, they are both able to strip down to their underwear while buckled. This has become the ritualistic road trip activity.

With this in mind, it’s not wise to look too closely at passing cars just in case you might see a Moon over the Hiney of some other acrobatic kiddo. Also, be aware that the call of the wild can hit anyone, so keep your own clothes on if the wild calls to you. They arrest adults for indecent exposure. Usually they just laugh at kids.

Tip #3: The hop-hop-shimmy is the best defense against blood clots. Modern medical research tells us that long journeys without movement can cause blood to clot in our bodies, which can lead to, well, death.

No one wants to have “died of a blood clot in the big toe” written on their tombstone. I have discovered a fabulous way to divert this disaster.

It’s call the hop-hop-shimmy and it’s just what it says. Hop with gusto three times then shake your backside as hard as you can in a solid shimmy. If you don’t feel your backside jiggle hard you’re not doing it with enough gusto. Trust me, it’s refreshing and it makes your brain shake if done correctly. Blood clots, be gone!

Tip #4: Ode to the DVD player. Let not those naysayers tell you that video watching is bad for the mental development! Without said DVD player, our children would be a howling mass of chaos asking “are we there yet?” 9 million times instead of the trifling 50,000 times. Without the DVD player one is not able to hear quotes come from the mouths of babes like “Sting like a cadillac, sting like a beamer!” or, “My finger has a heartbeat.” Nothing makes thy heart happier than knowing Hollywood is influencing defenseless preschoolers.

Tip #5: Do not fear the delirium. Lizard says my road trip delirium sets in at mile 42, sadly I think he’s really just noticing my natural personality at that point. However, I admit that after the sixth hour things get a little coo-coo in our car.

This last trip I found myself attempting ninja moves by maneuvering from the front passenger seat to rear passenger seat to change dirty diapers on my lap, hand out sippy cups and fast food, change toy batteries, etc.

At the sixth hour I slunk down into the floorboard of the passenger side and began to moan. I may have bleated: “Please, tell me when it will all end!” at which point Lizard may have yelled, “You can’t handle the truth!” Or maybe not. All to say, delirium is part of what makes a road trip fun, dontcha know?

And that, my friend, covers my top 5 travel tips. If I think of more I’ll share, but for the time being I’ll simply say:

Happy Trails to you!

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