An Open Letter to the City of St. Louis

Dear St. Louis,

I am writing this letter to express my sincere appreciation for exposing me to the health benefits of an extended period in a sauna.  The opportunity to bask in high temperatures combined with elevated humidity has gone a long way in encouraging my lard baby to melt into a pool around my toes.

Your hospitality as a township has been gracious.  I understand Imo’s pizza is the original St. Louis-style pizza  – and boy, can I see why!  It’s not often you get to enjoy a pizza with the consistency of an english muffin and Velveeta cheese and call it a day.  Our whole family will discuss the memory of our pizza experience for decades.

I must admit, I was hesitant to take my life in my hands and travel 600+ feet above the city in a skinny Arch designed to be the tallest national monument in the country.  I was even more concerned to discover our tiny five-person capsule, no. four, had issues with the door and trapped some guests inside upon its descent.  But I have to admit it, St. Louis, my fears were unfounded!  I have never had the opportunity to hang over a major metropolitan area with no visible supports before this – and may never again!

Tomorrow we will experience your zoo and I expect great things!

Thank you, again, for your hospitality!



(All sarcasm aside, our family reunion in St. Louis has been awesome!  We’ve been all over, seen the sights, and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves – despite soaring temperatures and drippy humidity.  It’s just more amusing to me to be snarky than kind when I’m writing because, as you recall, sarcasm is my love language.  It’s a character flaw I’m going to blame on genetics.)

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