As I have regularly mentioned, I am in possession of a lard baby.
It is a small, rounded lump of flesh attached to my midsection. If it were a real fetus I’d guess I’m about 4 months along.
But it’s not a real fetus. Because I’m not pregnant (a fact the world at large rejoices in daily.) It’s a lump of lard with absolutely no good explanation for it’s being except that it’s host (me) doesn’t have the energy to do Pilates or sit ups or even competitively thumb wrestle for exercise on a daily basis.
In my random surfing of the internet, which typically takes place between 10 p.m. and 12 a.m. while my husband watched Top Shot or Storage Wars, I discovered something.
Something surprising. Something pleasing. Something hopeful.
Not only is the name awesome, because I’m a big fan of anything sassy from sassy women to sassy foods to sassy lipstick colors and basically the word sassy in all of its meanings, but it taunts me with a potential.
Sassy water. Flat belly. Those are two statements that make me kind of happy to ponder.
Because I want to be a sassy gal with a flat belly. Doesn’t every girl?! (And possibly some guys, but that’s more than I have the pay grade to discuss.)
So, my blogoshperic friends… have any of you ever participated in said “Flat Belly Diet”? Have you ever consumed said “Sassy Water”?
I have googled these phrases, because that’s what I do, and the resulting websites are unclear on the effectiveness of said diets and water.
But I want to believe, I really do!
And I want the lard baby to disappear, I really do!
And, by the way, I’d like Uno to stop saying how much she likes my jiggly. Because I don’t like the jiggly much, even though, truthfully, it’s just reward for the temerity of having three children in four years.
Also, for all you mothers of multiple children out there, were your hips ever the same size again? If so, how long did it take and did you have to run like a hamster on a wheel in order to make it happen.
Because, keepin’ it real, I’d rather have the lard baby than a hamster wheel.
I’m lazy like that.