North Dakota: Oh my Milky Terrapin Wonder

OK. It looks like people in North Dakota are deprived of the freedom to spend hours of time on the internet, randomly Twittering, StumblingUpon and sharing bizarre personal facts on facebook.

That can be the only explanation for the lack of North Dakotan visitors. As of press time I’ve had my one-second wonder visit from Wahpeton and a friendly stop-by from Montana.

Which is the state next door to North Dakota. But in this case, a miss is more than a mile. Literally.

I have had visitors to StealingFaith.com who have escaped North Dakota. One in particular I like very much, because she left a comment:

“Milton is 10 minutes from Adams, which is where I grew up. Lawrence Welk is from ND and one of his orchestra members was from Adams!!! I really think you should take a vacation to ND sometime and write some fun stories about those wonderful, hearty Norwegians, Swedes, Bohemians and Germans.”

There was no mention of mittens, even tiny pink mittens shaped into reindeer. Although it’s possible a Bohemian would like my pink mitten reindeer. I don’t think the Germans would. They prefer smelly things, like sauerkraut.

I suppose the people of North Dakota may be too busy drinking milk to visit StealingFaith.com. That is the state beverage. Some states are simply degenerates and choose malted beverages such as whiskey (ahem, Tennessee) but North Dakota, nope, they’re more than satisfied to have their official drink of choice be the byproduct of bovine mammary glands.

That works for some folks.

Those that aren’t busy guzzling milk may be trying to outdo Mr. Max G. Taubert of Casselton, North Dakota. He is the proud record holder of the highest oil-can structure in the world. He has a 50-foot high pyramid of empty oil cans.

Gee whiz.

But never fear, if the residents of North Dakota aren’t busy obtaining milk from their dairy cows or precariously balancing on an empty oil-can pyramid trying to get that last can in place, they’re probably cleaning up.

They need to. Kenmare, North Dakota is the Goose Capitol of North Dakota (note, not the United States. Simply North Dakota.) There are over 400,000 snow geese in Kenmare every year, a haven for hunters and an opportunity for car washes, window washers, and lawn clean-up crews from the surrounding counties.

Because 400,000 geese are going to generate a lot of goose grease (which is a euphemism for goose poop. Didn’t want to spread confusion with my lack of clarity.)

If you’re ever in North Dakota drinking your own glass of cool, frothy milk (and possibly even a milkshake!), please be sure to stop by Turtle Lake.

Not to be confused with Lake Sakakawea, the lake with 200 miles of shoreline, Turtle Lake is host to many, many, hard-shelled, leathery-necked turtle friends. In fact, there are so many turtles there Turtle Lake town has erected a two-ton sculpture of a turtle near the entrance to the city and lays its claim to fame by sponsoring the annual United States Turtle Racing Championship!

I’m guessing that’s a long race. I wonder if there are qualifiers from all over the country? People racing turtles down in Mississippi where they have the Turtle Derby bring their speediest terrapin to the north country, feed them specialized milk from an empty oil can, and set them loose!

Excitement is a’ brewin’, my friends, excitement – can you smell it?!

I have to admit I’m a little disappointed I have to use the internet to discover these facts about North Dakota. Google is awesome, but I’d have preferred to learn the town of Rugby is the geographical center of North America from an actual Rugby native.

After all, “Dakota” means “friend” or “ally” in the Sioux language. I’m wondering if the Sioux still feel friendly about North Dakota… but maybe I’m putting my prejudice and hurt feelings about my Swing Vote: North Dakota campaign having limited success.

We still have 24 hours, though. I will hold out hope a friendly, milky, oily, turtly, centrally located goosey individual from North Dakota will stop on by.

Please.

If they don’t, I’m going to have to visit the Lawrence Welks show in Branson to get my North Dakota fix. He’s from North Dakota, you know.

I bet he likes pink mittens.

Time is running out! Don’t you know a single soul with internet who can visit StealingFaith.com from North Dakota?? Please, send them over so the Swing Vote isn’t a failure!

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Comments

comments

Juggler

Ian. I love your comments because I thrive on compliments like a fish thrives on water. Or kelp. Or stinky fish food. But I need you to take personal responsibility for finding a North Dakota reader. I need help, my friend! (No, no professional help from a psychosomatic counselor.) *huff*

Ian Whitley

I believe that I do know a few North Dekotans (I think that is what they would be called), but at the moment they reside at a wonderful university in Oklahoma. Would those do, or do you need a bonafide, true blue, milk sipping, turtle admiring North Dekotan? Because one of those might be a bit harder to find, they seem to be rare in these parts.

Renee

I have to wonder if they’re all spending time outdoors, because come winter, they’ll spend a lot more time indoors – on the computer???

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