I woke up on my own this morning.
Rested, quietly, happily Woke. Up. On. My. Own.
Popi and Mima took the girls fishing at dawn because they are truly masochistic, and I got to sleep in…
Go to the bathroom…
Drink a cup of coffee…
Do a devotional…
No one wanted marshmallow cereal. No one asked what we were doing today. No one demanded I intervene and put a timer on how long each was playing with the new Rapunzel baby doll.
As much as I love the life and vitality the girls have, this was a morning I truly appreciated.
I crave solitude and silence. It makes me thoughtful – so watch out, this post is not full of giggles, but it is important to me.
Silence gives me a chance to confront the little thoughts and feelings that niggle in the back of my head all the time:
“Are we going to have a major medical problem and be sitting here with no insurance?”
“Will this business we’re working so hard to resurrect go belly-up despite our best efforts?”
“Are we doing the right thing homeschooling our girls?”
“Am I investing enough in my marriage to keep it healthy and fun?”
“Should we have another baby? We’ve always said two, four or more…”
“Am I meeting my full potential if I’m not working in a college environment?”
“Will we ever be debt free?”
“Is our political and economic system collapsing? Will we need a wheelbarrow-full of money to buy a loaf of bread like they did in Russia in the 1980s?”
“Are we prepared for anything that happens?”
“What if one of the girls dies? What if Lizard dies? How will I go on?”
As you can see, the thoughts that go ’round and ’round in the back of my head aren’t usually chirpy. They’re a background litany of fear. I hate that!
I have to consciously choose hope several times a day. (I may be the only one who struggles with worry, but I don’t think so.)
So, in my silence today I read this quote:
”Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives.” Francis Chan
Ouch. I don’t like that. In fact, that Francis Chan dude is downright rude.
Then I came across this (it’s in the Amplified version, which is my favorite because it gives you several different translation nuances. Lizard calls it the “woman’s Bible” because it uses many, many more words.):
“As for the rich in this world, charge them not to be proud and arrogant and contemptuous of others,
nor to set their hopes on uncertain riches, but on God, Who richly and ceaselessly provides us with everything for [our] enjoyment.
[Charge them] to do good, to be rich in good works, to be liberal and generous of heart, ready to share [with others],
In this way laying up for themselves [the riches that endure forever as] a good foundation for the future, so that they may grasp that which is life indeed.” (1 Timothy 6:17-19.)
I want life indeed. I don’t want the shallow stuff, reality television, the opiate of the masses. I want the thrill, the fulfillment, the best life offers and ultimately, I want to know my Creator.
I. Want. Life. Indeed.
Not a life of worry. Of what if. Of wish I’s. Of Yes, but.
Life. Indeed. That’s what I want.
So… here’s what I learned during my time of silence:
I need to stop worrying about money. It’s not the big enchilada.
Yes, really. Stop worrying about money.
And while I’m at it, stop worrying. Just quit.
I need to spend my time looking at the people around me and try to figure how I can help them.
Because this life, it’s not about me. It’s not about you. We are not the center of the universe.
Of course, the ruffians feel differently. They think their needs are most important, of highest priority, and immediate.
Which is why they’re children.
I’m an adult. There’s a difference. (I pray.)