Swing Vote: Nevada Sickos

We’ve hit the spooky jackpot.

(You’ll notice I used the word “jackpot” because I’ll be talking about Nevada before this is all done and I’m full of bold hints these days.)

Stella, our fantastic Suburban, died on Friday. She was fine Thursday night and went belly-up on Friday. Well, maybe it’s because she was stressed out from her death-defying experience on the way to MOPs Thursday morning, but I can’t promise anything.

What I can promise is she was dead on Friday. No noises. Dead. Stella has been languishing in front of the office, waiting for attention.

So this morning my dear love went outside to take a good look at her and see if he could coax her back to life.

And she tried to start herself.

Let me repeat. She started herself.

No key in the ignition.

No driver.

Nothing.

I knew she was a real girl!

In addition to our self-starting Suburban, since waking up this morning I’ve developed two enlarged taste buds on my tongue. For no reason.

It’s just spooky and I don’t like it at all.

But, if I were in Eureka, Nevada it would be par for the course. (See, oh you of little faith, it all comes back around. Trust the rabbit trail, the force is with us.)

Why would I be mentioning mouthy things in the same sentence as Eureka, Nevada, you ask? Elementary, my friend, because in Eureka, Nevada it is illegal for a man with a moustache to kiss a woman.

Which means if I lived in Eureka, Nevada with my true love our romantic life would be hampered because we’re law-abiding citizens.

I’m not going to mess with the Nevada laws because it’s still legal there to hang someone who shoots your dog on your property.

I don’t want to say hanging is proper, but I will admit, if someone shot my dog I’d probably get lathered up about it.

Did you know they consume 60,000 lbs. of shrimp per day in Nevada?! I think that’s an astronomical number for a state that has no access to the ocean and doesn’t even contribute to the water system with a river that runs to the sea! No, no, that state consumes the most water of anywhere in the country and its river drops into the visible nothingness to pour into an underwater aquifer.

They’re just not a very giving state, regardless of the fact all slot machines are required by law to pay off a minimum average of 75%.

Nevada is the seventh-largest state in the Union. It has the most mountain ranges and no state income tax, plus the largest number of wild horses roaming in the Union.

I like that.

But it also has some weird ideas regarding, ahem, things of the physical nature.

There, in the land where Wyatt Earp kept peace, it is illegal for any member of the legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session.

And you know that someone tried to do this or they wouldn’t have even mentioned it in the legislative code.

Sickos.

Swing Vote: Nevada is a success – thanks to all of you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Do you have a suggestion for the next Swing Vote? Let me know!