Disappointing Karen

I hope you haven’t been waiting too long for this post.

Who am I kidding?! It’s Friday night! You’re out bowling or dating or sleeping, whatever people with normal lives do on the weekend.

Me, I’m typing this in the parking lot of Taco Bell out on the town!

Since my birthday, the number of shall not be named, was Monday, my true love gave me an excellent present – a trip to a writer’s conference this weekend!

Oh, the joy! The rapture! I have spent the evening in a room full of other people who love to manipulate words!

It’s just too much to bear. I need a moment to compose myself.

{pause for reflection.}

This morning we strapped ourselves into my parent’s car and headed west.

Stella the Suburban, you know the one who is displaying traits of the possessed?, well, she’s at the mental hospital a.k.a. as Sears Automotive while they try to decode her split personality.

It’s gonna take awhile.

So, instead of strapping the sweet family into the Suburban, which is large enough to complete a cartwheel in without touching the doors and requires throwing fast food parcels from the front seat to the back, we are in a sedan.

Better gas mileage, but, well, it’s small.

The drive went well but also had it’s share of annoyances.

Not only did we have three pint-sized doses of mouthy goodness, also known as the ruffians, only 6-inches from our ears at any given time, we had Karen.

“Who is Karen?” you may ask. (Assuming you care. Which you don’t have to. I mean, there are only so many times I can write about poop and Dos combing my hair with her toes from the car seat behind me and have you care. I totally support that.)

Karen is the Australian-English gal who lives in our Garmin.

I think her name might be Karen Garmin.

She’s a serious know-it-all. I’m not kidding. She thinks she knows where every hotel, food joint, and road is between here and there and I’m getting a little sick of it.

We drive along, minding our own business. We take a wrong turn.

Is Karen there to be supportive? No! Does she say, “That’s ok, it’s not a road trip without a U-turn, better luck next time!” No!

Instead Karen says, “Recalculating” in the coldest, most disappointed voice you can imagine for an Australian-English speaking GPS system.

Oh! Karen is the voice of mobile disdain!

It’s such an unhealthy relationship: if we do what she says she leaves us alone. But if we don’t, woe!

Woe, I tell you. Woe.

I made her recalculate for four freeway exits. I’m surprised she didn’t blow her top and yell, “You id-eee-ooot! I told you to exit but no, you didn’t do what I told you to – and I had a graphic picture to show you in case you’re deaf! – and now I have to recalculate again! I’m not a made for this! Just do as I say!”

But she didn’t. She just said, “Recalculating” in that disappointed, haughty voice.

Karen has issues.

To sum up the long story, we are safely in another state, having survived the road trip with three ruffians who like to comb hair with their toes.

I’ve also completed the first session of the conference and am enthralled. I love seeing the quirks of people in general, but this is a fun conference to observe. I may write about the man who reminds me of a leprechaun tomorrow. Haven’t decided yet.

There are fewer hair buns than I expected. And many more men. This is shaping up to be an interesting gathering.

Before I head back to the hotel for rest, I needed my Taco Bell fix. I heart Taco Bell. (Did you know a Taco Bell bean burrito is my “first real food meal after giving birth” tradition? It totally tears my innards up but it is sooo worth it!)

I wrote this in the Taco Bell parking lot, typing away while munching on the ambrosia that is not-quite Mexican food but fully addictive.

The only thing is the computer keeps telling me my preferred internet networks are not available.

Well, duh! I’m in another state!

Goodness, the computer’s as bad as Karen.

If you want to know what the photo for this post is all about since I don’t mention closets even once, you should know I searched for “wrong way” in honor of Karen Garmin. This is one of the photos that came up. I saw the hangers facing the wrong direction and broke out in hives. There is a right way and wrong way to do things, friends, particularly closet organization and toilet paper roll installment. I hope to never see such a sin again. The end.