There’s a question burning in my mind.
We just finished attending a fabulous soccer game! The girls enjoyed the experience, the crowd was wonderful and the stadium extraordinary.
But one thing remains. A question unanswered and terribly important:
Why, oh why!, must hotdogs make you burp?!
The hotdog is one of the most wonderful, terrible foods I know. It tastes so good as you’re eating it, it’s self-contained in its pink little packaging, the hotdog is the perfect size for a mouthful…
But the hotdog makes its presence known far, far longer than the time it takes to eat it.
Hours later you get surprised by a gastrointestinal bubble rupture that not only relieves the gas in your tummy, but fills the air around you with hotdog scent.
Tonight I had one, single bit of hotdog.
I have burped ever since. Each burp brings a sweet, porky, oily aftertaste to my mouth that makes me want to vomit.
I don’t like the hotdog scent. Hotdog at the beginning of its digestive journey is ambrosia, but the return trip-hotdog is akin to the feeling I get watching people fry up some roadkill for dinner.
Oh! And heaven forbid you try to capture that burp and let it loose in a dainty fashion! That makes the belch angry so it shoots out your nose, singing your nose hair and making the secondary-scenting even worse!
I know hotdogs aren’t really meat – more of the rubbish pile off a pig, but why can’t they just fill you up and let you be?! Chinese food has this aspect of nourishment down – eat your fill of chow mein, ten minutes later it’s been digested and you’re ready for more food. Not leftover burps to remind you of the egg roll gone wild.
If there is one shallow conflict in my marriage, it is my husband’s love of a good hotdog. He eats them with abandon and then burps them at me for several hours.
It’s not a way to win friends and inspire romance. Tonight has strained our relationship once again.
So, here’s my plea for assistance: is there any way to avoid the post-dog eruptions? Does anyone have an explanation for why this particular food is so quick to make a rumbly in my tumbly?