Giblets, Dismemberment & Standardized Shipping

Where the stupid turkey belongs... cooked.
Did you know turkeys are pretty much the stupidest birds alive? They redefine the term “bird-brain”… in fact, they will stand outside in a hailstorm when cover is available and allow themselves to get their noggins knocked out.


Death by hailstorm. Happens all the time.


I don’t know about you, but the knowledge the turkey is a dumb bird with no sense of self-preservation makes me feel pretty good about eating it on Thanksgiving. It’s like I’ve been a part of giving it a better future.


It’s not like eating a pig, which Barbara Walters and the crew on the View let me know is an mammal even smarter than a dog. Or eating an elephant, which is not only humongous, but also willing to handle the state of pregnancy for three years. Sickos.


Nope, eating a turkey just feels… right. Especially at 59¢ a pound.


Let me share a few other things that make me feel good about Thanksgiving:


  • I had nothing to do with anything called a giblet. Because that’s a dirty-sounding word referring to a dirty birdie participle.
  • I like my family. It’s a pleasure to have people I want to be around for several hours at a time. I need people who will talk to me while the Cowboys beat the Dolphins by one measly point and talk about how the cheerleaders Made the Team.
  • I am not participating in any part of Black Friday shopping experiences.


If you are doing Black Friday, more power to you, but I think you’re about as smart as a turkey in a hailstorm. Because that is 15 different kinds of dumb.


There is nothing I want badly enough to put up with people crawling in between my legs in search of the last box of Coco Puffs, spending the night in a parking lot with strangers, or possibly getting trampled by a suburban mom in search of the latest Elmo toy.


Really, what are your creature comforts worth? I’m gonna tuck me up into my nice, cozy bed for a full night’s sleep and come tomorrow, while you Black Friday peeps are oohing and ahhing over your Blueray player or combination hookah/coffee maker I will be rested and happy, surfing the world wide web for online deals that don’t involve giblets, potential dismemberment, or standardized shipping.


I am just not that much of a competitor, especially when I can buy most anything online and I don’t have an aching need for anything but an iPhone and a trip around the world. (Now accepting donations.)


But, all sarcasm aside, I am Thankful for many things besides giblets, football, and shopping scores, and not just today.


We are a nation full of overworked, stressed, and unhappy people striving for success and blind to our own privilege. I’m doing my best to change these things in my own life and my prayer for you is to find sincerity, value, and joy in the things you have in your life right this very minute and for the coming weeks headed toward Christmas to be relaxed and chipper.


May your day be beautiful and your tomorrow be bright.

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