Coffee, Dentures & Chonies

I woke up this morning without a 44-pound urchin pressing herself into my back and making me sweat.

 

Yes, my friends, the truth is out. The kids spent the night with the grandparents. And that has made. my. morning.!

 

My general sense of well-being has been enhanced by putting my coffee cup up to the still-trickling coffee machine and having the exact, perfect amount of coffee already made to fill my cup, not a drip more. Providence, I tell you, good providence.

 

This morning I am taking no part in Black Friday craziness, where retailers get you up so early in the morning and frustrated by so many people you take a leave of your senses and buy, buy, buy in a frenzied monetary mania.

 

Nope, I’m goin’ shootin’.

 

We’re going to hit the hills with another couple and cement our newly formed friendship with firearms, ammunition, milk cartons and diaper boxes.

 

I am a little skeered because the gal in the other couple has never been shooting before and you know I’m going to nail the target with the bullet, whoop, holler and scream, “Now that’s fun, thar!” and she’s going to decide to take her friendship elsewhere.

 

But it’s a chance I’m willing to take.

 

Now. The final bit of icing on the cake is my conversation with Lizard. (Who is also pleased to welcome the morning without a preschooler who snuck into our bed mid-night utilizing commando tactics and the ability to disintegrate into another fleshly surface.)

 

He wears a night guard because apparently our life leaves him in the space where he grinds his teeth while he’s sleeping. Yep. But this clear plastic device is supposed to keep him in chompers for an eternity.

 

I leaned in to kiss him and he quickly pulled the night guard out of his mouth before laying one on me. It completely freaked me out because I hadn’t realized he was wearing it and I thought he was pulling his teeth out of his mouth.

 

“Ack!” I squeeked.

 

“Oh, honey,” he told me. “We’re going to be married so long by the end of our lives we’ll both be pulling our dentures out before bed.”

 

Not if I have anything to say about our dental care, bucky, no, sir. I plan to keep my teeth.

 

Which probably means I’m going have to stop my sneaky little habit of eating the last handful of Goldfish crackers before bed but after brushing my teeth.

 

Oh, the sacrifices of life.

 

With all that in mind, I’m now going to hit the “publish” button here at StealingFaith and start typing like a madwoman over on the Word document that contains Badonkadonk: And Other Things That Make You Blush. (You do remember you can get a sneak peak at the book over at Authonomy.com? It’s well received, moving up the rankings. I seems people think it’s funny. And real. And about sex like God intended. Who knew God liked married people to take off their chonies?!)

 

What makes for a perfect morning for you? I want details!!