Mad Gab

MadLibs

I received a very strange note today. Here is the text:

 

Dear Juggler,

     I don’t really know how to tell you this, but…I need to hire a hitman. I realized this around the time I concluded you really weren’t a giraffe (while you were on a date) and I saw you telepathically insult Spock.

     I’m sure you’re fantastic enough to understand that I had a dream where I made pancakes that looked like you. I’m returning your toilet paper to you, but I’ll keep your beard as a memory.

     You should also know that I prank-called your boss and said I was you and I’ve decided to run away to Florida.

     If your drink tastes funny, don’t think anything of it,

PlainJane

 

 

I promise you it’s the first time I’ve ever received a communication like this from a friend.

 

I also promise I’m not a giraffe and have no reason to insult Spock. I would love to run away to Florida – does anyone have a motorhome and lots of cash available???

 

Turns out my friend did a little MadGab dealio and I’m going to steal it. Here’s my own note, followed by the instructions to write your own.

 

Dear Gaby,

     I don’t really know how to tell you this, but you’re a lousy excuse for a circus performer.

     I realized this while I was launching water balloons at unsuspecting pedestrians, you peed on a tree, and I saw you telepathically insult my neighbor’s cat.

     I’m sure you’re constipated enough to understand I plan to call you “Furbit” from now on.

     I’m returning your ant farm to you, but I’ll keep your false teeth as a memory. You should also know that I’m contagious and I’ve put you up for adoption.

Love, Hugs and Deodorant,
Juggler

 

Here’s how you do it:

Dear (person that you recently talked to),
I don’t really know how to tell you this, but…(1). I realized this (2) ((3)) and I saw you (4) (5). I’m sure you’re (6) enough to understand (7). I’m returning (8) to you, but I’ll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).
(12),
(Your name)

1) What color is your shirt?
Blue – I poisoned your drink
Red – you sing like a coyote in a trash compactor
White – I’ve decided to become a nun after all
Black – our romance can never be. We’re cousins.
Green – your new scarf looks just like the handkerchief I used yesterday
Grey – you’re a lousy excuse for a circus performer
Yellow – I broke wind
Pink – your unibrow offends me
Brown – I need to hire a hitman
No shirt – I’ve sold your personal information on the black market
Other – you may call me Seven of Nine

2) What month were you born?
January – that night I lost your car to the Mafia in a game of Charades
February – when you kept repeating, “I am not left-handed!”
March – when your great-aunt tried to asked me out on a date
April – when I ate a whole jar of mayonnaise
May – when I finally trimmed my toenails
June – when you sneezed on my salad
July – around the time I concluded you really weren’t a giraffe
August – that night you threw up while we were watching Star Wars
September – while I was launching water balloons at unsuspecting pedestrians
October – when I saw you propose to the lamppost
November – before I started calling you Bill
December – when I threw up in your fish tank

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos – and you stole the hotel towels
Chicken- and your great-grandma laughed
Pasta – and you peed on a tree
Hamburgers – when you were watching Ben-Hur
Salad – while you were on a date
Lasagna – with your cat beside you
Kebab – with Mr. Rogers
Seafood – and you started wearing a girdle
Sandwiches – at the circus
Pizza – and you were wearing a strait jacket
Hot dog – in the back of the squad car
Ice Cream – inside your refrigerator

4) What color are your socks?
Yellow – wet yourself in front of
Red – punch
Black – propose to
Blue – flick a booger at
Purple – pour coffee on
White – polka dance with
Grey – feed gummy worms to
Brown – throw your steak knife at
Orange – back over
Pink – try to poison
Barefoot – telepathically insult
Other – bake a pie with

5) What color is your underwear?
Black – the gas station attendant
White – my dad
Grey – the Pope
Brown – my neighbor’s cat
Purple – the Queen
Red – my potted plant
Blue – yourself
Yellow – my mailbox
Orange – your blind date
Pink – the Salvation Army bell ringer
Skin color – Spock
Multi – the Statue of Liberty

6) What would you like to watch on TV right now?
I Love Lucy – flippant
Seinfeld – constipated
Star Trek – dastardly
The Andy Griffith Show – incoherent
The News – delirious
Xena: Warrior Princess – fantastic
MacGyver – high-strung
The Cosby Show – nauseous
M*A*S*H* – perspiring

7) How do you feel right now?
Happy – how often I imagine you choking on broccoli
Sad – that you need to work on your grammar
Bored – that I’m going to send you black construction paper faxes
Angry – that you would look better in a tutu
Depressed – that I plan to call you “Furbit” from now on
Affectionate – how much of your money I just spent
Nervous – that your mom likes me better than you
Worried – that you might be my great-aunt
Confident – that I arranged for you to be deported
Silly – how much I gag when you’re next to me
Excited – that I had a dream where I made pancakes that looked like you
Ashamed – how I’m restraining the urge to pass gas
Other – that you might related to a raccoon

8) What color are the walls in your bedroom?
White – your toilet paper
Yellow – everything you touched
Red – your photos from prison
Black – your extra Depends
Blue – your dentures
Green – your ant farm
Orange – my vile of your blood
Brown – your singing teddy bear
Grey – your English-Klingon dictionary
Purple – your pacifier
Pink – your skunkOther – your deodorant

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B – your earwax
C/D – your beard
E/F – your money
G/H – your ice cream
I/J – your false teeth
K/L – your cows
M/N – your spleen
O/P – your signed confession
Q/R – your checkbook
S/T – your identity
U/V – your bathtub
W/X – your toupee
Y/Z – your car

10) The last letter in your first name?
A/B – know you are a poacher
C/D – love your front door
E/F – prank-called your boss and said I was you
G/H – told everyone you still wear diapers
I/J – never liked your Spinach Puffs
K/L – think you’re ugly
M/N – want to be your team mascot
O/P – I’m contagious
Q/R – ate a whole watermelon an hour ago
S/T – smell like a porta-potty
U/V – think you smell like Swiss cheese
W/X – will miss our Scrabble tournaments
Y/Z – need to go to the bathroom

11) What do you like to drink?
Beer/Wine – you’re never going to be an astronaut
Chocolate Milk – I’ve decided to run away to Florida
Soda – I’ve put you up for adoption
Regular Milk – your breath smells like my feet
Water – only the brave can wear lime green socks
Sparkling Cider – you remind me of a penguin
Juice – your hotdog really is made from a dog
Snapple/Vitamin water – I’ve will only speak in Pig-Latin from now on
Hot chocolate – your pillow has lice
Smoothies – my appendix just ruptured
Lemonade – you’re more boring than C-SPAN
Other – you’re sitting on my cat

12) Where would you like to take a trip to?
Thailand – You’re a horrible human being
Australia – Love, hugs and deodorant
France – Give my best to your parasites
Spain – Wither and die
China – With everlasting flatulence
Germany – Tell the warden I say, “Hi.”
Japan – Good luck on your parole hearing
Greece – “Never again” really isn’t long enough
USA – I hope you get trampled by an angry ostrich
Egypt – I won’t miss your cooking
England – If only you weren’t so pathetic
Ireland – If your drink tastes funny, don’t think anything of it

 

Have an excellent day – if you do this to your friends, please let me know so I can giggle, too!

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4 thoughts on “Mad Gab

  • December 5, 2011 at 1:24 pm
    Permalink

    This was super fun! To my husband:
    Dear Nick,

    I don’t really know how to tell you this, but…you sing like a coyote in a trash compactor. I realized this when I saw you propose to the lamppost (and you stole the hotel towels) and I saw you polka dance with yourself. I’m sure you’re nauseous enough to understand how much of your money I just spent. I’m returning your photos from prison to you, but I’ll keep your false teeth as a memory. You should also know that I need to go to the bathroom and only the brave can wear lime green socks.

    If your drink tastes funny, don’t think anything of it,
    Joy

    Reply
    • December 5, 2011 at 1:27 pm
      Permalink

      Love it! 🙂

      Reply
  • December 6, 2011 at 6:47 am
    Permalink

    Dear Renee,
    I don’t really know how to tell you this, but…your unibrow offends me
    . I realized this when I saw you propose to the lamppost and you were wearing a strait jacket and I saw you bake a pie with the gas station attendant. I’m sure you’re flippant enough to understand that I’m going to send you black construction paper faxes. I’m returning your photos from prison to you, but I’ll keep your spleen as a memory. You should also know that I prank-called your boss and said I was you and your pillow has lice.
    Give my best to your parasites,
    Michelle

    Reply

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