Stealing Faith

humor for relationships, family & life

5 Rules Regarding the Tiny Human Emerging from My Midsection


Each week I take the girls to gymnastics.

 

It’s our splurge of fun activity that also serves the purpose of tuckering the little beings out, which makes my life more livable because (thanks to Pinterest!) as everyone now knows, children siphon the energy out when we’re not looking.

 

One of the instructors at the gym has a baby, about 6-months-old. Today the baby was being mauled by a 10-year-old girl. As I watched the older girl pick the baby up, fling her around, and hand her off to other students with abandon, I sat on my hands, bit my tongue, and cringed.

 

The strength of my feelings surprised me because I tend to have a parenting style that alternates in a bi-polar fashion between completely  micro-managing, over-protective and, “Is it broken? No? Well, then, put some Windex on it and buck up.” (This also explains why I categorize our homeschooling philosophy as classical un-schooling.)

 

Once the mom-instructor arrived, I could relax and pay attention to my own children. The experience reminded me of a blog post I wrote several years ago, though. So, tonight I’m blowing the dust off of that post to share with you.

 

(Wow. It’s your lucky day!)

 

5 Rules Regarding the Tiny Human That Recently Emerged from My Midsection

 

#1: Don’t just “drop by” to visit me in the hospital. I may actually want your visit. It’s entirely possible. But I’m also going to be bloated, puffy and, thanks to the c-section, possessing an incision the size of a Frisbee through my midsection. This not the personal presentation I cherish. Just call or text my husband to get permission before the visit before you arrive with a mylar balloon and potted plant.

 

#2. Keep your mitts off my newborn. I look at everyone as a carrier of something. I understand our baby is the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen, but don’t kiss them. If you have a cough, a sniffle, a fever, pink eye, scabies, measles, the Bubonic Plague, or anything contagious at all – don’t get near my child. If you must touch the baby, place your moist, germy kisses on the clothing. Or your own arm, that would be best. Also, feel free to bathe in sanitizer. I won’t mind at all.

 

#3. Don’t baby pass. This child is not a football or favor-garnering technique. If you’re holding the baby, YOU hold the baby. Don’t pass the baby to the next person who rushes over, coos, and makes you feel guilty for not sharing. Also, Don’t EVER take my children out of eyesight without checking first.

 

#4. I’m OK being mean. I realize my rules are harsh. However, I have just spent ten months of my life incubating this life; it is the most precious thing I have ever done. This baby has gifted me with stretch marks, destroyed my abdomen, and spread my hips. The pregnancy has caused me to cry at every touching commercial, fight with my husband, and question my sanity. This child is more important to me than you are, thus, I’m allowed to be psychotic if that means I’m advocating for this little one. (And I can still love you, too.)

 

#5. Don’t ignore my other children because you’re obsessed with the newness of the baby. Everyone in our family is excited for this baby! But please, remember how much you love all of us, not just the 8 lbs. schnooket. Say, “Hi,” to each member of the family before you start squealing over the baby. Help our kids through this transition by loving on them as much as you’re loving on their newest sibling.

 

Do you have rules for visitors and a newborn? What are they?

 

*If you like this post, would you please share it with your “tribe” via email, facebook, twitter, etc.?*
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Comments

comments

Category: Parenting
  • karlyne says:


    Count me in, too. I invented classic unschooling. But not the internet.

    April 17, 2012 at 12:51 pm
    • Juggler says:


      Oh, wow! This made me snort in unexpected laughter! Thanks!

      April 17, 2012 at 7:38 pm
  • melyssa says:


    That was my own mother up there, BTW. She’s cyber stalking me. She went from Ma Ingall’s with no microwave or hair dryer, to Mrs Technology, all thanks to that newfangled world wide web…

    April 18, 2012 at 8:34 am

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