Creepy Elf on the Shelf

I’m going to go ahead and call it like I see it: this Elf on the Shelf thing is creepy.

Maybe I say this out of jealousy. It’s true that I stare at the Elf on the Shelf packages at the store and wonder if the creativity, the cuteness, the Christmas spirited-ness of it all could be a fit for our family.

But then I look hard at that plastic face, the gloating eyes, strangely colored clown face, and decide it’s not worth the effort. If I can’t manage to shower more than twice a week, I don’t need to add the Elf on the Shelf to my maternal pressures!

Alas, it appears I’m alone in my stand against the Elf on the Shelf. My proof? Pinterest. Blogs. Facebook. That eerie Elf is up to trouble in households across the country. There are silly Elves, naughty Elves, Elves with hygiene problems, and Elves with sweet teeth.

Elf memory making is taking place all across the globe but I’m still not on board. I just can’t wrap my brain around making a naughty mess myself in order to blame the Elf, then cleaning the naughty mess up myself, then watching my children copy the naughty Elf for months to come. Why buy trouble?

Here are the top 10 ridiculous things I’ve seen the Elf on the Shelf do:

1. The Elf is playing Connect Four with La La Loopsy. Seriously? That La La Loopsy is three times his size! He would be crushed by an amorous hug, no question.

2. Elf Takes a Hot Air Balloon Ride. Ballon Basket is a pair of Underpants. I find myself concerned that there is an Elf in a pair of underwear. Call me a prude, but this doesn’t seem like an appropriate relationship for a little man to be pursuing.

3. Toilet Graffiti. Why, oh why, would you give your children an idea that they can write on any surface of your home? If the Elf does it, they can do it. Writing on a toilet sows the seeds of insurgence, I know it!

4. Gangnam Dancing Elf. I’m speechless, so I’ll just say it again while shaking my head slowly in confusion and slight fear: Gangnam Dancing Elf. Yikes.

5. Elf in the Refrigerator Pigging Out. You know, when I wake up in the morning, groggy and a little out of sorts from an interupted night’s sleep, all I really want to see before I get my coffee grounds out and perking is a small Elf voodoo doll hanging out in my cooler eating my food. Not. Gives a whole new meaning to the term, “cold shoulder.”

6. Band Aid covered Elf. Once again, I’m probably a strange one, but I don’t like used Band Aids. So covering an elf in adhesive bandages just for fun makes me slightly edgy, wondering if I’m about to uncover something with puss or blood. Doesn’t put me in a festive mood.

7. Elf-sized pancakes. I admire the tenacity and willingness to spend time flipping batter drips to create a platter of pancakes for an elf with fabric covered beans for a gut, but… really? I struggle to flip pancakes for my very live, very demanding children! It’s hard to imagine completing the effort to make a breakfast food for an inanimate object.

8. Goldfish Elf  Fishing. Anyone doing this must not be particularly worried about any creatures that might be stirring during the night in their home. Which reminds me, I need to reset the mousetrap my two-year-old tripped while trying to eat the peanut butter off of it. Yep, I’m a proud mama because of that little antic.

9. Tanning Bed Elf. After taking a good look at the Elf on the Shelf, I’ve decided he either has remarkably thick skin and thus is able to tan in negative temperatures at the North Pole, is genetically browned, or is actually using a tanning salon. Let’s hope it’s a spray tan, because we all know the actual tanning beds are a kill for the age spots.

10. Baby Abusing Elf. Why, oh why, would you ever give a marker to anything less thank four feet tall? Why? Oh! I know! Because I want my baby to look like they’ve been tagged by the Christmas spirit. That’s it…

I do like the idea of the Elf on the Shelf, but I am bah humbug about the practice of it. I dare the Elf to send us a craptastic Christmas. I laugh in the face of danger! Ha, ha, ha!

What are your favorite or most mocked Elf on the Shelf ideas? Can you convince me the Elf is awesome?