Mall Rebuff

Carin / stock.xchng
Carin / stock.xchng

There was once a time I looked at a trip to a shopping mall as a special getaway, a vacation from reality where I could soak in fashion and beauty.


Then I had kids.


I can’t completely blame the kids for my change of opinion about the mall; the realization that everything at the mall has a price tag that’s higher than what I want to pay plays a big part in my newfound mall aversion.


Tonight, four little ducklings in tow, Lizard and I committed an act of foolhardy bravery… we visited a shoe store located past the bank of gum balls and hard candy vending machines in search of a pair of ballet slippers!


On the way to the shoe store I was approached by young ladies in the middle-of-the-aisle kiosks who wanted to straighten my hair and thread my eyebrows. One wanted to sell me a timeshare.


I realized salespeople don’t know why you never ask a mom with kids to participate in a sales experience.


So, let me share my wisdom with you now, feel free to pass it on as necessary to the salespeople in your life.


Never stop a mom with kids in the mall because:


1. She’s on a mission. This trip is delicately balanced in between nap times and potty breaks. There must be an urgent need for the trip or she wouldn’t have dared the journey. Don’t ever stand in the way of a woman and her mission. There will be no survivors.


2. Oh, the mess! Hell hath no fury like a passel of kiddos at eye level with a varied display of cell phone cases, straightening irons, or earrings. Every minute used trying to seduce you to purchase a sea salt rub is a minute the children are free to put their grubby paws on the merchandise. Things will be broken, guaranteed.


3. She’s not cool enough. If cultural relevance were a priority she wouldn’t be prancing around in pajama jeans and a fanny pack masquerading as a diaper bag. She’s not going to buy those slatted sunglasses because the kids will steal them later and use them to mimic Jon Bon Jovi while trimming their bangs for optimal feathering.


4. Your wares double as torture devices. Clip on hair tails aren’t going to appeal to a mom with a grabby infant. That remote control helicopter?  It’ll end up tangled in sister’s hair. Toasted almonds? A cause for disgruntled jealousy, possibly deadly if there’s a nut allergy. Anything you’re offering isn’t worth it.


5. The kids will scatter. While she’s listening to you tell about your timeshare presentation and how it gives you 6 tickets to the Grand ‘Ol Opry and a steak dinner with fermented beverages, the children are free to roam. Children in a mall are like herding cats. If you get them moving in the appropriate direction, you must let nothing distract you. Distractions are a game delay that can kill a mom in the final seconds before a snack time melt down. Stop her and there’s a chance she’ll lose a kid, then find them standing in the Victoria’s Secret window naked as a jaybird, trying to emulate the larger-than-life models.


You may have your own set of reasons for rebuffing the advances of kiosk salespeople. They may have nothing to do with children. In fact, I’d love to hear about the personal experience of anyone who has had their eyebrows threaded!


Tell me, do you respond positively to people hawking their wares in the mall?



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