My Dear Children:
I am about to enter the restroom of our home. During this time I will be indulging in activities necessary for continued function as a human being. I realize my absence may cause you insecurity, as I am in your sight for roughly 23.75 hours of each day. However, I respectfully request you observe the following items while I am occupied:
- Do not put beads in the baby’s nose. Along these lines please do not use your foot to violently push/kick the baby swing or attempt to use the baby as your tango dance partner.
- Do not take this time to fall off of the top bunk of the bed. There is no reason to be leaning off of the side of the bed, pretending your body is a practical extension of Rapunzel’s hair, despite your joy in pretending to be a princess.
- Do not grasp this unmonitored time as an opportunity to rummage through the refrigerator. We eat at regular intervals throughout the day and are blessed with plenty of food. Cold salsa and butter do not a meal make – trust me to provide for your hunger at lunch, snack and dinner.
- Art supplies are to be used for art projects, not face painting. True artistry takes longer than three minutes to produce, so it is unlikely you will be able to paint the bottom of the kitchen table as the roof of the Sistine Chapel in the time it takes me to empty my bladder. You get an “A” for creative effort, however.
- It is an unlikely dog that prefers to have beads placed up its nose. Please leave the dog alone. I understand that our dog is a Great Dane and physically larger than the majority of you children, however, that does not mean it should be ridden as a horse.
- While I admire your enthusiasm for cleaning, please do not dismantle the vacuum cleaner while I am in the potty. The vacuum bag has a tricky way of expelling its contents over the room when unhinged from the machine. This typically makes your mama unhinge as well.
Thank you for your attention to these recommendations. I suspect, knowing your ingenuity, there will be several more activities you would like to try while I am visiting the facility. DO NOT FOLLOW THROUGH ON THESE IDEAS, no matter how enticing they may be.
When in doubt, sit on your hands and stare at the ceiling fan. Allow your Mama to poop in peace – we’ll all be the better for it.