Playing the Field

LKay / stock.xchng

Do you ever wish your marriage was easier? Friendlier? Different?

Everyone who has been married for more than about 10 minutes has a moment or two when the twinkle in their eye turns into a hard glint and they wonder exactly what universe their spouse inhabits and how it ever connected with their own long enough to say, “I do”!

Last week, after several weeks of lack of communication in our household due to sickness, parenting, and busyness, I was having one of those moments. You know the ones… when your temper is short, the chip on your shoulder is large, and you find yourself wanting to snatch yourself bald in frustration!

Oh, those are the moments ripe for shoving your foot in your mouth.

Fortunately for me, this time, wisdom intervened and the perspective I gained from them helped me re-establish communication with my husband in a kind, authentic, and thoughtful way. Can I share it with you?

First, two blogs posted the same quote from Elizabeth Elliot on the same day, so I found two emails stating the same thing when I turned on the computer:

“A wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to perhaps eighty percent of her expectations. There is always the other twenty percent that she would like to change, and she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it by very much. She may, on the other hand, simply decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy.”

(As quoted in Feminine Appeal, Mahoney, p 41)

Well. Doesn’t that stink to read from two sources right when you’re hitting your stride in a hissy fit?!

I was so disgruntled about the truth in this statement that later that day I complained to a girlfriend. She whapped me over the head with another simple, profound illustration:

“If you were a coach, say of a soccer team, you’d be intentional about every player you put on the field, right?” my wise friend said. I agreed with her premise.

“If you want a really competitive team you make sure you have the right person on the field for the right position. And once you’ve gotten that dynamic team put together, you guard it very carefully.” She waited for my nod before going on.

“If you were that coach, after really investing in each of those players and teaching them their positions – would you pull the goalie out and ask them to be a striker?” she asked me. “Of course not! Because they are the goalie and they’re excellent at being a goalie… and there is another player who is excellent in the forward position.”

“You’d never expect your keeper to score for you because that’s not their gifting; you’d also never put your forward in the box and expect them to accomplish a shut out.” By this time I knew where she was going but somehow managed to keep my mouth shut and not interrupt her.

“Your spouse has been designed to play a position on the “Life Team” that is perfect for them… but they aren’t created to play every single position on the field and it’s not fair to ask them to do that,” she said. “Instead, why not celebrate them for the role they do fill with excellence and back off the criticism when they aren’t perfect in every way?”

Makes sense to me! Isn’t it awesome when your friends are incredibly smart?! Hope this perspective helps you as much as it did me this week!

Here’s to giving your spouse grace… and a prompt to celebrate them for what they do best this week!

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Copyright © StealingFaith.com 2010-2013 | All rights reserved

Gold Rush

Gold Rush / Discovery Channel

We’re spending an exciting Friday night on the sofa catching up on TiVo. Gold Rush, Discovery Channel’s reality television show about Alaska gold miners, is up first in our line up.

I kept hearing snorts of disgust from the other inhabitant of the lounging device in our living room so I finally asked, “OK, give me five reason why Gold Rush is bugging you so much.”

Here is the response.

5 Reasons Why My Husband Thinks Gold Rush is Stupid

1. Todd.

2. Todd.

3. Todd.

4. Todd.

5. Todd.

And there you have it, folks. I know it may be hard to get a sense of Lizard’s feelings on this, but what he’s really trying to say us that he doubts Todd’s leadership.

Usually Lizard only talks to the t.v. when there’s a scandalous sports call, but tonight I hear muttering, snorts of disgust, and statements about idiocy. I can’t lie, it’s pretty funny.

Do you like Gold Rush? Does it irritate you? Why or why not?

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Copyright © StealingFaith.com 2010-2013 | All rights reserved

10 Spot Ramble: Sleep

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Just about the time I finished poking around the internet and got ready to write for StealingFaith last night Bubby let loose a massive cough and expelled a significant amount of vomit onto my body and the sofa.

It was awesome. Within another 20 minutes he’d had three more exorcist like vomiting experiences and after a hurried discussion I took him to the Emergency Room.

He’s going to be fine, but has a virus and was dehydrated. Between the enjoyment of a midnight hospital run and trying to push fluids on a lethargic baby I got about 6.2 minutes of sleep last night. Which means today I’m so tired I am literally not able to process words people are speaking to me. It’s an unfortunate handicap.

While this is not good for my inter-personal communication skills, this is the recipe for a perfect storm of random facts about the goofy stuff that happens when you’re sleepy.

So, brought to you by the entrée of an ER visit with a side of vomit, here’s your 10 Spot Ramble: Sleep.

1. Humans are the only species that can choose sleep deprivation. Staying up late is not a choice for the rest of the animal kingdom; humans are the only ones who can deliberately override the drive to sleep. Staying up to finish a movie, pulling an all nighter to finish up a project, or even setting an alarm to get up in the morning are all cognitive decisions that other beings are unable to make. I don’t know if this reinforces the human’s place at the top of the food chain or is proof we will soon descend.

2. If you’re in the mountains, expect to suffer. The higher the altitude, the greater the sleep disruption. Generally, sleep disturbance becomes greater at altitudes of 13,200 feet or more. The disturbance is thought to be caused by diminished oxygen levels and accompanying changes in respiration, though most people adjust to new altitudes in approximately two to three weeks.

3. Married people sleep better. Divorced, widowed and separated people report more insomnia. This also makes me wonder if there really is something to the age-old instruction not to let the sun go down on a conflict.

4. Siesta! According to the results of National Sleep Foundation’s 2008 “Sleep in America” poll, a surprising 34 percent of respondents reported their employer allows them to nap during breaks and 16 percent provide a place to do so. These are the places you want to work!

5. Sleep is very, very sneaky. It is impossible to tell if someone is really awake without close medical supervision. People can take cat naps with their eyes open without even being aware of it. This explains my own ability to creep people out with my open, vacant, small pupiled eyes. I don’t know the power of a nap.

6. The baby is a killer. A new baby typically results in 400-750 hours of lost sleep for parents in the first year. That’s roughly one full month of lost sleep for the average person. I’ll be generous and assume a pregnancy loses half that amount of sleep. This means I’ve lost approximately six months of my life to the sneaky sleep suckers masquerading as my flesh and blood. Blood thirsty maggots! Even better, some studies suggest women need up to an hour’s extra sleep a night compared to men, and not getting it may be one reason women are much more susceptible to depression than men.

7. Why you dreamed you’re naked. REM dreams are characterized by bizarre plots, but non-REM dreams are repetitive and thought-like, with little imagery – obsessively returning to a suspicion you left your mobile phone somewhere or you’re giving the class president campaign speech in your knickers, for example. REM sleep occurs in bursts totaling about two hours a night, usually beginning about 90 minutes after falling asleep.

8. Pull out the floodlight. Scientists have not been able to explain a 1998 study showing a bright light shone on the backs of human knees can reset the brain’s sleep-wake clock. What I really want to know is how they even came up with the knee-back hypothesis to start with!

9. Watch out for alcohol. After five nights of partial sleep deprivation, three drinks will have the same effect on your body as six would when you’ve slept enough.

10. Daylight Savings stinks. I’ve always been suspicious of Daylight Savings Time and now I have another irritation: The extra hour of sleep received when clocks are turned back at the end of daylight saving time has been found to coincide with a fall in the number of road accidents.

The kicker of all the random facts I discovered is this:

The record for the longest period without sleep is 18 days, 21 hours, 40 minutes during a rocking chair marathon. The record holder reported hallucinations, paranoia, blurred vision, slurred speech and memory and concentration lapses.

I can’t even begin to imagine the cutthroat competition at the rocking chair marathon! The potential for smashed toes, inner ear turmoil, and hernia creation! Who does that???

On a related note, I would love to hear some Ambien stories. Several friends have shared hysterical stories from when they took Ambien – do you have one to share?

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Copyright © StealingFaith.com 2010-2013 | All rights reserved

The Next Right Thing

I’ve had a pregnant rabbit living in my kitchen and we now have 8 little babies in there, too. It’s been so exciting I can’t manage to do much besides think about rabbits!

The mother is a first time mama, which can be a very stressful time for a rabbit. Many first time moms will make rookie mistakes that can cost the lives of the entire litter. This particular rabbit is doing amazing things, however, and I have high hopes for her maternal instinct!

I’ve been watching this mama rabbit closely since she’s been underfoot. She seems to take everything in stride and emanates a sense of calm.

In contrast, I have another doe about to give birth who is quite possibly psychotic. When I open the door to her cage she charges me, does twists and flips, and if I haven’t gotten out by then, will go to the back of the cage and just hop up and down. A friend calls this behavior the “bunny blender.”

I actually identify with both of these rabbits on some level. A year ago I was the bunny blender rabbit; easily upset, confused on all levels, and sometimes hopping mad.

Nowadays I think I relate to our more maternal doe; I’m more likely to let things go than I used to be. I still get upset and have my moments (occasionally several an hour!) but in general I am more pleasant.

What’s the key to this change? Well, a lot of things… and a lot of hard work sorting out emotions and actions, etc. But the biggest thing that has changed me?

Doing the next right thing.

It’s very simple. Whenever I start getting completely overwhelmed I stop, breath, and just do the next right thing.

I can figure out what the correct answer is for my life for the next five minutes or day… I often struggle when I try to come up with my five year plan! Focusing on the macro in times of stress can augment my tension. Stepping back and looking at the micro closely enough to see the next step needed – it helps me relax and laugh a little more.

It’s a simple strategy, but if you’re in a stressful situation give it a try.

What’s your next right thing?

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Copyright © StealingFaith.com 2010-2013 | All rights reserved

Lucky Peas

Are you superstitious?

I don’t believe I am, though there’s no doubt I come from superstitious folk. I don’t shudder when a black cat crosses my path, duck away from walking under ladders, and as an adult I don’t even throw salt over my shoulder when it’s spilled.

I tempt fate on a moment-by-moment basis. Living on the edge over here.

Today I tossed all of my level-headed, scientific, and rational thinking right out the window as I went on a search for black-eyed peas.

So many of my friends don’t realize that consumption of the humble black-eyed pea on New Year’s Day is actually the key to all success and positive opportunities in the upcoming year! You, yourself, dear reader, may process my claim and find your mind filled with doubt.

Stop questioning. Black-eyed peas are terribly important.

Eating black-eyed peas on New Year’s Day is a tradition from the Southern U.S. The pea is a way to entice good luck to come to your house and stay for a year – adding some greens and cornbread to the meal represents getting lucky with money and gold, respectively.

This is not a Jeff Foxworthy, “You Might Be a Redneck If…” tradition, a custom to mock and disbelieve. The luck of the black-eyed pea is true! I can prove it!

Eight years ago I helped chaperone an all-night youth lock in on New Year’s Eve. It was the first time I spent time this handsome gent I’d seen around and we spent the night laughing and telling stories while supervising teenagers who thought taping one another to the walls of the gymnasium with duct tape was the height of quality entertainment.

After we returned all the youth to their homes at 5 a.m. New Year’s Day, that guy asked me if I wanted to go to a movie with him that night. I accepted and invited him to my house to consume our family’s traditional New Year’s meal: black-eyed peas and corn bread.

He came. He consumed eight bowls of black-eyed peas because, trying to be polite and make a good impression on my parents, he ate everything in front of him and my mom, always the hostess, kept refilling his bowl so he wouldn’t go hungry.

May I repeat, eight bowls. That’s about 12 cups of legumes consumed in one sitting.

Followed by a six hour date. A first date, where gaseous eruptions would be awkward.

Best part of the story? He doesn’t even like black-eyed peas.

This might not seem like the luckiest of occurrences but you would be under the wrong impression if you tried to blame the black-eyed pea for a romantic disaster. Those peas brought us together and five months later we married. Eight years after that my husband still teases my mother about the peas, and she still asks him if he’s gotten his good luck for the year.

I love my husband. I also laugh out loud every time this story crosses my mind.

Thus, it’s obvious: Southern traditions are simply the best. The End.

Do you eat black-eyed peas on New Years? What region of the U.S. do you call home?

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Copyright © StealingFaith.com 2010-2013 | All rights reserved

Quick Guide to Children: Ages Birth – 6 Years

Our first 6 years looked something like this…

I can’t claim to be a childhood expert and there are certainly no titles and degrees from fancy institutes attached to my name, but as a mom of four kids I believe I can offer a valid assessment of the first six years of child rearing as acquired in the school of hard knocks.

For those who are just embarking on this journey – I hope this quick guide can offer you hope when things look hopeless and discourage you when things are bright. If you have completed your own child parenting journey with a live, functioning adult child, I hope you will add your own observations in the comment section!

Birth through 1-year-old: A fantastic season of life! Everything your child does is new and exciting and fills you with pride. If he poops, it’s the sweetest smelling poop you’ve ever known, if she spits up, the spit up is either less than every other child or significantly more. Nothing is in halves during the first year.

The sleeplessness, it may get to you. You may possibly believe you are going to die. There will be dark, gloomy days when you remember sleeping in or staying up late or getting in the car and driving without wondering if your diaper supply is sufficient.

This is the year when previously confident people usually realize they DO NOT have their act together. They are much more insecure, confused, angry, and impatient than they originally thought. They also realize their capacity to love is significantly higher than ever imagined. And for parents… conjugal visits can be sketchy. Do not despair. Year two is just around the corner. It gets better.

1-year-old to 2-years-old: One day you have an infant and the next you realize the baby fat has melted off of their cheeks. You pretend you’re imagining the unpleasant scent of your body as you immerse yourself in all of the “firsts” of a little one. The pterodactyl screeches of your child fade – finally! – into recognizable words and you see personality in your child that gives you hope for a future where they discover the cure for cancer and carry out world peace.

You finally know how to put a pack ‘n play together in less than 25 minutes. You start sleeping through the night consistently. This newfound rest, combined with the realization you’ve spend thousands of dollars on unused clothing and toys, convince you to try for another child. Your spouse is all for the trying to get pregnant process but terrified and sobered when the pregnancy test comes back positive. The memories of the sleepless nights come back in cold sweat nightmares.

2-years-old to 3-years-old: The child you’ve produced is, in turns, part angel, part demon, over the top exasperating and phenomenally charming. You sleep anytime you sit still and stop taking photos for the baby book. This makes you feel guilty.

The baby lengthens and you’re left with a toddler speaking a foreign language in a vehement voice, expecting you to understand and comply with their wishes at all times! You buy them a wristwatch, How to Teach Your Baby to Read, and shoes with shoelaces expecting overnight success. They don’t learn how to tell time, read, or tie their shoelaces. You mope, certain this is a parental failing on your part.

3-years-old to 4-years-old: You are enchanted by this little creature in your home in much the same way people stare at pictures of koala bears, not realizing they are actually vicious when not drugged on eucalyptus leaves. Your child loves you desperately and copies everything. Because we are all innately selfish, we find this to be a sincere form of flattery until…

… the “whyarrhea” begins. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?! This is a level of Dante’s inferno! Gray hairs sprout from your head and you have new growth upon your chest and ears. You’ve lost track of the passing of time and friends you don’t see on a weekly basis. Just about the time you are ready to quit this whole parenting shebang, you catch a glimpse of fantastic, unadulterated beauty in your child, an innocence you will do anything to protect – and you are renewed enough to answer another “why?” question.

4-years-old to 5-years-old: This is quite possibly the best year of parenting yet! Your kiddo is potty trained, can wipe themselves even!, they can button their clothes and carry on a conversation! They amuse you with comments about how the world works, still cuddle, and remind you of why you wanted to reproduce in the first place.

Four-year-olds are amazing, particularly if given tranquilizers.

5-years-old to 6-years-old: Your child begins to understand that life is not fair. They are NOT OK with this discovery and live in a state of outraged justice.

Passionate tears flow on a regular basis. You find yourself playing judge and jury 67 times per hour. At night you curl into a small ball next to your spouse and pray. This is a very important year for hand holding in a marriage, and it’s important to know that a 20-second hug engenders a feeling of intimacy in humans. Hug often.

6-years-old to 7-years-old: You’ve made it to the sixth birthday! This is a major accomplishment! You can now look forward to one of the years when your child will look the most awkward. Missing teeth, uneven growth spurts, a sudden aversion to cleanliness… six is the year for these pleasures, and more!

The weak in spirit may fear for their life, but have no fear, the sixth year is only 365 days long and you CAN make it out alive. Repeat to yourself, “The days are long, the years are short… the days are long, the years are short…”

What would you add to this simple guidebook?

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Copyright © StealingFaith.com 2010-2013 | All rights reserved

The Turtle Doves are Very Sorry

im-sorry

I’m doing my own version of the 12 Days of Christmas this year. Today, on the day lyrically celebrated by two Turtle Doves, I’m republishing the 2nd most popular post on StealingFaith in 2012.

I’ve been thinking about the words “I’m sorry” lately.

I come from a family where “I’m sorry” wasn’t heard very often. We tend to be the type who have an attitude of “put your big-girl panties on and get over it.”

This attitude is a problem when you’re married to someone you want to get along with and are confronted with the knowledge you are not, in fact, perfect.

That’s a realization I’m still trying to get over.

I’ve taught the girls the mechanics of giving an apology. At their young ages they aren’t really sincere about the emotion but at least they know to look the person they’re talking to in the eye, say, “I’m sorry,” respond with an “I forgive you,” and give a hug to make up.

It gets a little more complicated as an adult. Mostly because our mouths can say we’re sorry while our hearts are still belligerent and insincere!

I have the book 5 Languages of Apology and I think I’m going to pull it out and read it… but until then, here’s what my armchair psychology has figured out so far about offering an apology:

1. Avoid phrases such as “I’m sorry you feel that way.” That’s an insincere apology! It puts the burden of responsibility back on the person who is hurt… after all, if they weren’t so sensitive they wouldn’t be bothered, right? It’s just their problem, not yours.

2. Avoid apologizing for something you’re not really sorry for doing. Example, if you went on a shopping spree and you know your husband’s completely frustrated about it, don’t tell him you’re sorry unless you plan to cut up the credit card. Stating the words without changing motion is worthless and creates a sense of betrayal and distrust.

3. Try not to apologize tersely. If a person comes to you with a hurt and their discussion of it lasts for awhile… it’s a bit of a letdown to say absolutely nothing except “I’m sorry that I hurt you” and move on to the next order of business. While it may be sincere, there’s a disproportionate amount of words on each side. People feel better about interactions that are equal.

Then there are also ways to accept an apology. This is what has worked for me in the past:

I. Don’t start dancing a victory dance. There are some areas where you can gloat away when you win, maybe when your sports team won that game, but the correct response to a sincere apology is not, “I know! You suck! Nanny-nanny-boo-boo!” That response tends to damage trust and make future apologies as unlikely as a full-sized giraffe fitting into a thimble.

II. Try to not say, “It’s about time you saw reason” or any other version of that phrase. Apologies are hard to make – beating a person down when they are trying for authenticity is like telling a kid they’re getting coal for Christmas. It’s not so sweet.

III. A simple way to respond is with “Thank you. I really appreciate that.” A humble acceptance of a real apology is a huge step in coming back in alignment and moving toward a common goal. You may still be hurt and it’s ok to talk through that in a calm, reasoned way, but respect the one who wronged you enough to let them know their apology is valuable to you.

In college I learned 90% of conflict occurs because people are fighting for a limited resource. In a residence hall, that’s the spacious 10×10 space of a dorm room! In a professional setting it may be a promotion or accolades sparingly doled out. In a home it could be quiet time or recognition. There are so many options!

It’s ridiculous to think we’ll go through life without conflict! There will be disagreements, there will be hurts, there will be problems. So the key is to learn how to deal with the conflict gracefully and respectfully.

The wonderful thing is that even if you come from a stunted conflict background, like me!, there are skills you can learn and practice to make life more peaceful and satisfying.

And I’m all for that! How about you?

What are your tips for how to give and accept an apology?

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If you like this post, feel free to share it (with attribution).
Copyright © StealingFaith.com 2010-2013 | All rights reserved

“Me Likee!” Link Up – September 2012

Hanna Anderson

Yeah, yeah, I know, it’s October. It doesn’t make much sense to publish my top picks from September in October but considering I’ve been losing track of days like crazy I think you should put a cork in your critical attitude and extend some bloggy love by clicking through to these awesome posts.

So there.

1. Do You Like Staying At Home? This post mirrored many of my feelings about the transition from working mom to work-at-home mom. I wonder if it will strike a chord with you?

2. A Disease Called Perfection. I discovered this post a year ago and even blogged about it. I ran across it again because of the Timehop app I use that sends me what I did one year ago every day and fell in love all over again. Some things are good enough to be shared repeatedly.

3. What Boys Need From Moms. I’m a mom of a boy now. It still catches me by surprise, particularly when the young man squeals his super-shrill squeal when his backside touches the cold vinyl cover of his changing table. Still, it’s good to have suggestions about how to parent this man-child.

4. Confessions of a Young Widow: The Little Things I Miss About Being Married. Put your big girl panties on before you read this one, it caught me in the gut with its raw simplicity… and made me very, very thankful for my husband and his man clutter.

5. 10 Things That Have Made All The Difference. This sweet synopsis of ideas to incorporate into marriage is truly touching.

6. Weak Words. This listing of weak words to use while writing was particularly convicting for me – I use a lot of weak words in my conversational writing style! It’s a great reminder of best writing practices.

7. Make 24-hour Go Bags for Your Kids. No one wants to think about disasters happening but tonight as I wandered through our local ranch supply store I saw a wall of emergency preparedness kits. “Go Bags” are a really, really good idea to have for your family. This post gives you the basics of how to make them.

8. I Might Be Scared of These Families. This post made me laugh and laugh and laugh. Mostly because I am that mom who will dress her kids matching if at all possible. I do draw the line on the stripy pajamas for the whole family, however.

9. 41 Things Bodacious Bloggers Do To Maintain Their Blogs. Here’s my business post for the month – I love getting good advice about how to make StealingFaith better. (If you have suggestions, please let me know!)

10. Careful Mother vs. Assertive Mother. Parenting is hard. Have I ever mentioned that? One of the hardest things for me is walking the line between disciplinarian and heart-steward. At any moment you can waiver on the line. This post reminded me of the importance of firmness, wrapped in love.

Hope you enjoy this month’s links. In fact, I’d love to see the posts you’ve particularly enjoyed, as well! Please share in the comments!

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“Me Likee” Link Up – August 2012 Edition

“Me Likee” Link Up!

Remember how I lost track of my calendar this month? Despite blogging about it, updating my refrigerator calendar, and complaining ad nauseam to my friends about this problem, I still didn’t figure out August is about to end until… tonight.

Brilliance, sheer brilliance resides within my brain.

Now that it’s hit me, however, I must share my favorite articles from the month or, well, the August ship will have sailed. And that would be a sad, sad moment.

With no further ado, the most thought-provoking, funny, and moving posts I read in the past month:

1. 5 Reasons Why the Church Failed Yesterday. I hate to get all political, but the Chick-fil-A brouhaha at the beginning of the month was quite disturbing to me on many levels. And those levels warred with one another. This article perfectly articulated a few results I hope Mike Huckabee didn’t intend when he asked supporters to eat more chicken on August 1.

2. Being a Gifted Kid. Did you know speedy grocery shopping is a sign of giftedness? Or myopia? I had no idea, but this article pulled research on giftedness that absolutely fascinated me. It did not list the ability to sing incessantly as a sign of a gifted child, so the jury’s still out on whether Dos will qualify…

3. Patients Get Bottles, Cell Phones, Buzz Lightyear Stuck Inside. Don’t read this if you tend toward the squeamish side. A friend forwarded it to me months ago as blog fodder and, try as I may, I cannot find any way to discuss this without blushing or cringing. So I share it simply as a link. Enjoy. (And let me know if you’ll ever look at a totem pole the same way again.)

4. How to Create Fun and Cozy Family Traditions. Contrary to my absolute freak out moments when the Family Fun magazine arrives in my mailbox, this post gave me some awesome ideas for intentionally creating memories. I think it helps I found no mention of glitter.

5. 25 Words You Might Not Know are Trademarked. My time spent slaving away in Journalism 101 came rushing back when this little snippet crossed my path. Educate yourself… and then you’ll be able to catch me when I make a mistake (or understand why I capitalize certain words… like Dumpster or Kleenex.)

6. The Practice of Stillness. I used to have Psalm 46:10 etched on my kitchen wall: “Be Still and Know that I Am God.” I needed it as a reminder, because I do not sit still well. At all. This post by Michael Hyatt hit me right between the eyes because he clearly writes why stillness is important and how to practice it in our lives. What a treat!

7. 19 Outstanding Words You Should Be Working Into Conversation. If you’re an logophile like me, this article will make you sublimely happy. If you really don’t give a hoot, still check it out and memorize a few to throw into the mix at your next social gathering. It will be more fun than kummerspeck, I promise… but then, what isn’t?

8. An Inconvenient Gap of Truth. This one just made me laugh and laugh. Best sentence? “Gap and Old Navy sell Gateway Mom Jeans.” What can be better than a gal in search of raw truth with a camera and a pair of skinny jeans? Not much.

9. Beloit College Mindset List for the Class of 2016. Beloit College has published this list for many years and I watch for it religiously. Lately, though, it’s been making me feel older and older. Certainly not because the spry young things entering college this year were born the year I graduated high school. No, certainly not that!

10. Quick to Defend, Quick to Cast Blame, Slow to be Gentle. I rarely think of my husband as someone in need of protection. He’s brave and strong and capable in so many ways. This writer gets a glimpse of his wife as a child and realizes we view our spouses as able adversaries far too often. Read for yourself… and see if it doesn’t give you a new perspective of the one we committed to on our wedding day!

And that’s it, folks, from the mountaintop town where it’s 75 degrees on August 29! (Did I mention no humidity? Yeah. You can be jealous.)

Please post your own favorite links from the past month in the comment section!

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Advice to My Younger, Infatuated Self

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Apparently I’m not the only person who has a few words of advice for their pre-married, giddy wedding-planning self.

It seems hindsight is 20/20. (Now, where have we heard that before?!)

Here are the words of wisdom I received from those people brave enough to comment:

“For every hour you spend planning the wedding, spend another hour working on the relationship. So many people get caught up with the right dress, the perfect centerpiece, that they forget it’s only a party at the end of the day.” ~ Meryl

“First, I’d say to myself, ‘You need Jesus.’ Second, I’d say, ‘You need to have an intimate, personal relationship with God your heavenly Father.’ If you do that, you will get through anything life throws at you.” ~ Dominique

“Don’t you ever take him for granted!” ~ Rebecka

“You can never be prepared for marriage. You are marrying a completely different person than yourself, and you cannot know how youwill grow and change or how they will grow and change. Just remember why you’re together–because you really love each other.” ~ Priscilla

“My single best piece of marriage advice is to buy a comforter/duvet one size larger than the bed. So for a queen bed, get a king-sized comforter. It solves probably 25% of marital arguments right off the bat.” ~ Mark

“When Christ talks about what love is, to lay down our lives for one another, that’s very practically lived out in marriage each and every day!” ~ Destiney

“Marriage is cyclical. Don’t give up. There will be ROUGH times, but hang on because there are rewards for being steadfast. Circumstances come and go, but as long as you are together you can face what comes. Never blame him or take him for granted. Take joy in the small things. He can’t be your everything, so be yourself and forge friendships. Above, be determined to love unconditionally.” ~ Kathryn

“Better get your big girl pants on! With as hard as marriage and motherhood can be, your love will grow strong enough to make it through the challenging times. Just keep praying and hold on tight!” ~ Mindy

Aren’t these people wise? I love people smarter than myself!

I’ve posted this list before, but it is worth revisiting as my final thoughts on the subject (for the time being):

10 Practical Ways to Show Love

(I am not the author, I just provide the commentary! If you know who wrote this, please let me know so I can give them credit.)

Listen without interrupting. (Proverbs 18) This is very important in our household because our ruffians interrupt constantly. I’ve gotten to a point where I can’t finish sentences or thoughts. When Lizard takes me to a quiet place and waits patiently for my words to come out, I fall in love with him all over again!

Speak without accusing. (James 1:19) Conflict happens but Lizard always reminds me, he’s not the enemy. We’re not battling against each other, we’re comrades battling to stay together – accusations are not helpful to quality communication.

Give without sparing. (Proverbs 21:26) True love is sacrificial. It’s fairly easy to get sacrificial love when you have a child, much more difficult for most people to give sacrificially to their spouse (as the spouse is more independent). Remember, anything worth having is worth working for… sacrifice can bless both of you!

Pray without ceasing. (Colossians 1:9) I catch myself singing songs as a prayer all the time. But one thing I am training myself to do when I am on the brink of behaving poorly (like, oh, screaming at my children until I burst blood vessels in my eyes and bite my tongue in half) is to literally stop and send up a prayer for wisdom, strength and maturity. It’s working!

Answer without arguing. (Proverbs 17:1) Tone of voice can make all the difference in “discussions.” Learning to answer evenly without throwing fuel to the fire of discord can create a space in the relationship for trust to build instead of defensiveness.

Share without pretending. (Ephesians 4:15) As scary as it is, just be you. Authenticity goes much, much farther than image.

Enjoy without complaint. (Philippians 2:14) We talk to our girls about using words that are like honey instead of vinegar. Learning to enjoy the positive in each moment is a life skill and will ultimately make you much more likable.

Trust without wavering. (Corinthians 13:7) No one deserves to be trusted. Period. We’ve all lied, some of us with huge lies and some with little but everyone has been untrustworthy in their lifetime. Even so, it’s far better to extend trust with the knowledge you may be betrayed than to withhold trust and never feel the freedom of love fulfilled.

Forgive without punishing. (Colossians 3:13) Oh, this is a hard one! Vindictiveness is so very human and so easy to instill in your relationship. Forgiveness doesn’t include shackles… it’s a key to freedom. Work to love your partner into the person they have potential to become!

Promise without forgetting. (Proverbs 13:12) I have six million thoughts in my head at any given time and I am so poor at remembering! That means I need to implement some changes in my life right now so that when I make a promise, I follow through. This will be a conscious decision that won’t be easy… but the benefits will be worth it. I want to be a person of my word!

Do you agree with these suggestions or think they’re crazy?

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Advice to My Younger, Infatuated Self