Dressing Room

Getting dressed in the morning can be really difficult, even if you’re not five years old with a fetish for all things pink and sparkly.

There are some serious pitfalls lurking in the closet for women before they even leave the house.

I in no way consider myself a fashionista!  The majority of my non-maternity clothing has been purchased at Goodwill or Old Navy or is still in use from my 1994-1999 spending era when I didn’t embrace the knowledge that credit cards are actually lesser demons and credit card company CEO’s sleep on pull-out sofas in hell.

However, since I parent girls and am partly responsible for enforcing a dress code in my job, my thoughts have been known to wander in the direction of what I would recommend as clothing considerations if I were fashionable.

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

Shorts are fun, shorts are fine but too-short shorts can cross the line. (I made that rhyme up on the spot and now I’m feeling pretty smug.)  I have personal reasons for keeping my legs covered as much as possible.  While I inherited a good length of leg, the sad reality of my body is that I am the genetic byproduct of a toothpick and a praying mantis.  My chicken legs are not pretty and, thus, I prefer to keep my shorts in the bermuda range. However, preferences aside, I believe when your shorts are so short the inner seam creeps up into your hooha area, said shorts need to be passed on to a needy kindergartener whose legs will match better proportionally.  The 3″ inseam is a vicious trick clothing manufacturers are playing on women these days and I find it tragic.

I like to paint, I like to draw, but I don’t want to see your bra. (I’m sticking with the jingle/rhyme theme.  Let’s see where it goes in the end.)  A slipping bra strap on occasion, eh, that’s totally understandable.  But I shouldn’t be able to read your bra tag because your shirt doesn’t provide enough coverage and is gaping in the back.  My brother-in-law, a high school teacher, is convinced that spaghetti straps are the harbingers of promiscuous behavior, sicknesses requiring antibiotics and partly responsible for the abrupt demise of the Chia Pet as a household friend.  (I made that last one up.  I just wanted to say Chia Pet.)  I’m not sure he’s right but I will say that as a general rule I don’t think showing off foundation garments is a wise move.

Don’t diddle, don’t dally and, good gracious!, Don’t show your valley! Exactly what amount of cleavage valley is appropriate?  This is an age-old question I’m pretty sure the great thinkers of the world like Bill Gates and Larry the Cucumber from Veggie Tales are working to define.  Sarah Palin may be involved as well, hard to say.  Here’s what I know:  I went to a restaurant on Halloween a few years ago and the gal taking my order was costumed as GI Jill.  Her version of GI Jill had already been in a skirmish with cloth-eating chipmunks and her shirt and shorts, well, they didn’t make it.  My decision after that harrowing experience? If there’s enough cleavage you might lose a ball point pen or even a french fry down the crack -OR- if there’s enough visible breast flesh you can identify slope and curvature… the girls’ll be chilly and they need to be covered up.  Immediately.

It’s a pant! It’s a tight! It’s a jean – um… that’s not right. I’m not sure what the fashion gurus were thinking when the jegging was introduced.  Maybe the Devil wears Jeggings instead of Prada, who knows?  But I’m baffled and uncomfortable when it comes to this little trend.  Crime against the community?  It’s not at that level of offense.  Personally, I just don’t like anything that takes the place of pants without actually being a pant.  (Except a skirt.  I’m totally ok with skirts.  And possibly a well designed culotte.)

Now that I’ve shared my snarky philosophy on fashion trends it’s your turn.

What standards do you have for appropriate dressing?  And, most importantly, do you think I have a career as a poet or songwriter ahead of me?  Huh?  Do you?  Do you?

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