Everybody’s talking about going off to college and how awesome it is going to be.
You smile and nod along with them, but inside you’re thinking: “Are you crazy?! I have life figured out right here at home! I know my way around, I have all my friends here, hey – my mom even does my laundry and cooks my food! Why would I want to leave and go to college?”
Your attitude is no different from that of hundreds – if not thousands – of college freshmen across the country. Yet everyone still expects you to move off in the fall to experience a major life change.
Put your worries to rest, here are five tips on how to make your experience at college so awful you’ll be homesick and home before the first semester is complete:
- Don’t leave your room. If you’re being forced to pay for and move into a mouse hole of a room and share it with a stranger you may as well get your money’s worth! Stay in your room with the door closed. Leave only for mealtimes and required bathroom breaks. Otherwise, spend your time texting friends from home and on the internet. Speak to your roommate as little as possible. (Bonus points, however, if you quack like a duck whenever they enter and leave the room. This will earn you a stellar reputation.)
- Ignore school sponsored events and organizations. No matter how many times your RA invites you to events or offers to show you the ropes DO NOT show interest. If you want to be home within weeks you must, at all costs, ignore every invitation anyone extends and make sure you don’t attend school-sponsored events. Don’t get finagled into participating in school organizations – the people involved in them are way too happy to help you in your evacuation plans.
- Start dating the first person you meet and break up in a week. This is a classic scheme for misery. You get to college, everyone is looking for romance and you cozy up to the first person who gives you a nod. Within a week you’ve realized your Hero is a Zero and you break up – but now you run into them nonstop. Love lost is an excellent way to have an awful reason for quitting school.
- Eat garbage and sleep little. You are what you eat and late night pizza runs are the downfall of many a college freshman. Choose the most unhealthy food in the cafeteria – or better yet, eat only from the vending machines! This will ensure you feel awful most of the time. Also, get as little sleep as possible. This will help you skip classes and react emotionally to everything, a recipe for misery in the making.
- Ditch. No one can talk you into staying in school when the Academic Dean sends you a letter saying, “Sayonara.” So make sure your plan is rock solid and go to classes every once in awhile or not at all. Insult your professors if possible as well. If you’re going to go out, go out in a flame of glory!
Following these five simple steps will have you back at the mothership in next to no time at all.
The good thing is, once you’re home you never have to leave again. Ever. This means you’ll be living with mom and dad until you’re collecting Social Security, but that’s a small price to pay.
And isn’t it worth it?