Will This Get Easier?

Jana Shea / cc / compfight.com

A dear friend miscarried her baby today. She asked me, “Will this pain get easier?”


The simple answer? Yes.


It will get easier. But probably not right away.


My heart grieves she is not the only one to experience this.


Aside from the physical discomfort of the loss of a pregnancy, the pain my friend feels so keenly involves the elimination of the “what if?” part of a new life.


Once you find out you’re expecting you automatically start planning Your Life — Plus One. You wonder if it will be a boy or girl, how you will decorate their room, what labor will look like for you and if you’ll kiss the anesthesiologist or curse your doctor and break your husband’s hand. The dreams go on and on.


Then one day you go to the bathroom, look down and realize those dreams are at risk. There’s a hot flash of understanding, a dread in your stomach, the churning in your gut as you have to sort through exactly what this means, who you should call, over all your brain asks, “Can this possibly be happening?!”


Sometimes the answer is, “Yes.” You lose the promise, you lose the life. You lose the anticipation. Doubt sets in.


Why did this happen to you? Is your body a hostile environment? Will you ever carry another baby? How could a loving God take away an innocent? Why?


In a time like this, hearing, “God wanted your little one with Him because they are so special,” is NOT ENOUGH. It is trite, unacceptable. Behind the roaring of your ears you find yourself screaming, “Shut up! That is not a comfort! I lost my hope and you’re giving me a platitude! Come now, my world just shattered and you don’t see the pieces of me all over the ground? Seriously?!”


Maybe you haven’t even told people you’re pregnant yet. So you are isolated and unable to give an explanation why you seem”down.” Maybe your body aches and you’ve cried yourself to sleep over and over and over and you don’t know how you can go on.


In your loneliness, your sadness, you take a chance to reach out to someone to ask: “Will this pain get easier?”


Yes. It will.


Give it time. Give it space to breathe. Air it out. Feel. Feel anger, loneliness, and sadness (and – oh the horror! – sometimes you feel a bit of relief). Give yourself permission to feel.


And then, in the pause, where you can finally catch a breath, give yourself permission to heal.


Go to a soccer game. Volunteer in the children’s program at church. Read a book that takes you away. Watch a comedy that makes you laugh so hard you almost wet your pants. Give yourself permission to live.


And most of all, allow yourself to hope. Your life isn’t over. Your promise isn’t over. Your story is still being written.

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6 thoughts on “Will This Get Easier?

  • January 15, 2012 at 11:35 pm

    There is never a blog of yours that I am not proud to call you a friend. Your heart is so big and kind and your wisdom is beyond your years! And for your friend, I will pray for her peace. Definitely enjoy that soccer game. Our #2 just got invited to play a club team and will play his first tournament this weekend! This game can help take minds off of the real world, even if it’s just for a bit! Love and peace!!!

    • January 16, 2012 at 8:58 pm

      Thank you, Steff. You’re a special one and I’m glad this post touched you! Congratulations on your soccer adventures!

  • January 16, 2012 at 12:51 am

    I’ve known family & friends who have gone through this, and I just want to say I’m sorry! No platitudes, no advice. I’m just sorry, and I wish there was something I could do!

  • January 16, 2012 at 7:57 am

    so very well written 🙂

  • January 16, 2012 at 8:03 am

    I have been through this twice….and you are right, it does get better. My first loss was actually my stillborn son at 34 weeks. I did not think I would ever go on…..didn’t think I wanted to. But 8 years later, I tell you, that the pain does ease. That little person will always be there in your heart. Others around you will go on as if it never happend but you will always carry that in your heart. My second experience, is one, I do not often share because I do not want to give someone hope only to be let down but feel like I should share. I was 12 weeks pregnant, began bleeding and rushed to the hospital. I was told that I miscarried and there was nothing they could do for me. My experience in the hospital was horrible. Not only was the news devastating but the doctor was very cold and unfeeling. I was told to schedule an ultrasound with my ob/gyn doctor to see if I needed a DNC. On Monday, I went in for the ultrasound..only to find that I saw a little blinking spot on the screen….that unmistakable blinking dot, that indicates a heart beating. My ultra sound tech was baffled and ran to get the doctor. The conclusion was that they believe I had been carrying twins and that the other one somehow had survived the trama my body had just been through. They said that through physical examination, it was obvious that I had miscarried, yet here was this baby growing inside of me, heart beating strong. I do not want to give false hope….but always make sure through an ultrasound that they confirm what the physical signs show. I know this is rare, my doctor had never seen it before…but miracles do happen.
    And in the case that you did in fact miscarry, please know that there are many mothers (and fathers) out there grieving for you. It does get better. It’s ok to be angry with God, just keep talking to him. It will get better, you will laugh again, you will cry again….only a mother can understand how you can love something so much!!

    • January 16, 2012 at 8:57 pm

      Thank you for sharing your stories and… well, I’m so sorry you’ve lived through this pain! I’m also incredibly glad you experienced your miracle!


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