Parental Revelations

A few days ago I came across Jason Good’s list of Things You Never Thought You’d Do As a Parent. And I laughed. A lot.

 

It inspired me to go back through my Facebook status updates over the last two years for my own “can’t believe this is happening” inspiration. (Because Facebook is how I scrapbook, seeing as how it doesn’t involve glitter or permanently maiming myself by sticking my fingers together with a mysterious substance called a “glue dot.”)

 

My Diet:

• You can wash vitamins down with a swig of coffee and not be struck by lightning.
• Doritos, Coca-Cola, M&M’s, and a brownie can pass as a meal if circumstances are right.
• Hypocrisy runs rampant:

Exhibit A: While you’re sucking down your second 32 oz. soda of the day your kindergartener (who is not allowed to touch the stuff) says, ‘I saw a 6-year-old drinking Pepsi and I thought, “What? What?! What is their mom thinking?'”

Exhibit B: Adding another flavor of milk to my life was overwhelming. So when they asked what strawberry milk tastes I told them, “Poop.”

 

On Health: 

• Imagination is a scary thing when your child walks up to you with a green plastic Winnie-the-Pooh tea set knife and says, “I need to cut your toe off. It’s just a little owie.”
• If you happen to get a child with allergies, snot become a secondary food group. When your child says they actually like the taste of their own snot better than ice cream, you will die inside.
• One simple, inattentive moment at a soccer game can result in your toddle eating french fries off the ground next to the 50-gallon trash can.

 

Speaking of Garbage:

• To you, the trash can is a no-man’s land. To your toddler and preschooler, it’s the forbidden treasure box. There is more surveillance of our trash can than in the Pentagon. My advice? Invest in opaque trash bags.
• There will come a time when something dead is in your freezer. It will likely be put there by your husband. In our case it was 10 pinkie mice in a clear Ziploc bag behind the vanilla ice cream, on top of the tater tots.

 

On Aging and Death:

• You know your place in life when your child says they are waiting for you to die so they can get their own cat.
• Seeing someone covered with piercings and tattoos can be an educational experience. Three weeks later your child might say, “I hope I don’t forget I don’t want a tattoo… but when I grow up and you die I will pierce my ears all over.”
• Seeing someone elderly? You get commentary: “I don’t know what’s wrong with his head – it’s kind of crumpled but I’m sure he’s still a nice person, he just got old.”

 

Use of Technology:

• My kids will alternately try to get me to tweet things they’re saying, or, conversely, make me stop sharing. Since they can’t decide which they prefer, I just keep tweeting.
• Theology and technology is confusing. When we accidentally delete a game off of the iPad the kids think it’s gone to heaven.
• Punishment needed? The kids threaten Daddy will “delete” them if they aren’t good.

 

On relationships:

• You may have to explain the strange connection between violence and attraction as a child. Uno told me her classmate punched her eight times. “But he hit everyone else more because he said he wants to marry me.”
• I wish I could have practiced the same rules of relationship as an adult and run away when someone tried to kiss me too many times. But typically adults frown on that type of behavior.

 

Life Lessons:

• “I’ll tell you the truth: it’s not good to poke your eye out but it’s better to poke your eye out than get killed.”
• “Mommy, I like spending time with you, just you and me. Soon enough, I’ll be away at college and we’ll miss these times.”
• “Syrup… makes me dance.”
• “I missed you!” “I know.” “How did you know that?” “My bones told me.”

 

Parenting: “On the scale of difficulty it ranks somewhere between reasoning with an inebriated goat and fitting into your skinny jeans.”

And that’s all I have to say about that.

What have you learned about parenting you never expected?