It’s important to let you know you’re stupid.
Well, maybe you aren’t exactly stupid, but your opinions are definitely lacking. I’ve checked in several places, researched your stance on Google, spoken to my cronies, and could (if so inclined) come up with a five-point thesis on why you’re an idiot.
I also feel compelled to share this information on every social media platform available to me because, once you’ve discovered you know what’s right, it’s important to convert everyone around you to your opinion. Immediately.
Your politics? Irrational. I’ve done my research and have discovered I know the perfect candidate for President. If you would only listen to me you would know I’m right. My candidate is going to change the world, turn the economy around, and end world hunger – in his first 30 days in office! If you weren’t so short-sighted you’d see that!
Your stance on social issues? Abortion? Homosexuality? It’s hard for me to understand how you can look at yourself in the mirror with those beliefs. I don’t mean to be rude, but have you followed the consequences of this topic out to its end point? Of course you haven’t! Now that I’ve brought it to your attention, would you please do yourself a favor and align your thoughts with mine?
Your spirituality is completely bogus. I have had a direct revelation from God and, as I mentioned this afternoon while holding a sandwich board and letting people know there is a Hell and they’re about to get a one-way ticket to the fiery furnace, I’ve got this whole religion thing figured out. Aren’t you glad I’ve taken the time to let you know how wrong you are? I know, it’s just an act of mercy on my part. Now, convert this second or I’ll point my pointy finger of doom down on you.
I don’t care that we’ve known each other for years. It really doesn’t matter. I can take to my Facebook page and let you know MY opinion without concern or even listening to you because… well, I’m right. Your thoughts are faulty, downright ludicrous! I don’t need to listen to you when I know for certain nothing you could ever say would sway me one little bit.
It’s been nice having this conversation with you. I do need you to know that if you don’t change your stance to match mine… it’s going to be hard to respect you in the morning. (Or ever. No hard feelings – it’s you, not me. I have higher standards than most of the lemmings out there.)
Now. Have we agreed? Aren’t you glad I’m able to save you from yourself?