Three Answers You Didn’t Need

Oh, my dear friends! I have missed you!

 

Today is the first day I have felt normal in two weeks. That’s an eternity – and the longest I’ve gone without words brimming out of my fingertips onto the keyboard in almost three years! Thank you for your prayers and your patience.

 

Now, I have been, admittedly, in la-la flu land and thus have not kept up on current events. The only three headlines I can even begin to name from most recent time are 1) the Pope leaves office 2) a sink hole in Florida and 3) a highway in Arizona severed.

 

I don’t believe there is a connection between any of these stories, but I can offer a reason for them.

 

First, the Pope must have realized he was interested in a retirement that didn’t involve people slobbering on his hand. I am not Catholic, although there are many things I like about the doctrine, minus the bits Dan Brown made up and the scandalous behavior of certain priests.

 

That being said, if I were ever the Pope I think the whole ring-kissing custom would have to go. I’m slightly OCD and germophobic. I don’t ever want to be close enough that I can feel your moist breath on any part of my body and spittle is a definite no-no. I think the Pope realized this, made up his other excuses, and is now looking forward to a retirement that doesn’t require vats of hand sanitizer.

 

Second, the sink hole in Florida. This is an obvious answer: alligators. Every one knows alligator roam all over the place in the land that should have been a swamp forever. If you can find an alligator in your swimming pool using your dog as an hors d’oeuvres, it’s quite clear alligators are behind the sinkhole that swallowed a bedroom and miscellaneous belongings and human life.

 

Alligators.

 

Finally, the highway that severed in Arizona. The simple solution to this conundrum? George Strait is actually a fortune teller with a future in ocean front property in Arizona. Think about it – a highway in the middle of nowhere severs and twists… this is proof the “Oh my goodness the Earth has split and it’s bloody hot here” fault is active and alive and about to release California to it’s new life as an independent island nation.

 

Aren’t you glad I have been able to come up with answers and commentary for these events? I bet you are! Do you have any other bits and pieces of news I can analyze from the last two weeks when I fell off the face of the Earth?