Down with the Elf on the Shelf!

I’ve just finished perusing the search engine terms that have brought people to StealingFaith and one thing is perfectly clear: Mankind is searching the internets for an explanation about the Elf on the Shelf.

 

When I wrote my piece on the Elf on the Shelf, I was really just trying to make myself feel better for having a panic attack that our Christmas traditions would be … non-traditional because we aren’t Elf on the Shelf people. I also felt guilty for disliking a doll because there are some that think having strong feelings toward inanimate objects is, well, strange.

 

I did feel better. But what I’ve discovered from the overwhelming number of Elf on the Shelf-related search terms since is I’m not the only one trying to get clarity on this Elf on the Shelf situation.

 

Once again, I must assure you I am not an Elf on the Shelf expert. But in the face of all these Elven questions, I will offer a feeble attempt at a plausible answer:

 

Where does the Elf on the Shelf go after Christmas? You might assume the Elf is headed back to spend some quality time cutting holes in Mrs. Claus’ skirts or tying knots in gnome beards and attaching cat toys to the reindeer’s tails. This is not the case. The Elf, rather than heading north, actually visits Beelzebub down south in order to get fresh ideas of ways to torture families during the month of December.

 

Does the Elf on the Shelf have teeth? No. There is no indication of teeth on the Elf on the Shelf. Nor would teeth be appropriate, considering the massive amount of candy the Elf deals with on a yearly basis. Now, that being said, Seriously? Does the Elf have teeth?! It’s a doll, not a commercial for a set of dentures!

 

The bad Elf on the Shelf destroys stuff. Is there a good Elf? Look no further, I can prove your answer: No. There is no “nice cop” Elf to foil the destructive Elf. That’s life, folks, that’s life.

 

Is the Elf on the Shelf nasty? Is the Elf on the Shelf a pole dancer? Is the Elf on the Shelf naked? Does the Elf have other clothing? Does the Elf on the Shelf do drugs? Does the Elf on the Shelf have a spray tan? What is the fascination with naughty Elf antics? Love. Love is what makes the world go ’round! Stop being so negative and looking for an Elf with social adjustment disorders.

 

Why does chicken make me sleepy? You can probably blame tryptophan… oh, wait. That had nothing to do with the Elf on the Shelf. Good luck with the sleepy chicken.

 

Elf on the Shelf will kill you. I couldn’t agree more. There’s an incredibly creepy look to those diabolical plastic eyes. That smile, totally fake. Christmas will not be safe until the Elf on the Shelf is off the streets and safely locked in Rubbermaid boxes! I’ll leave you to handle the details of corralling the pint-sized terror until next December.

 

Have you removed your Christmas decorations yet? What’s the longest you’ve left them up?