Funniest Status Updates

About ten months ago a Facebook friend wrote a status update that made me laugh so hard I was in danger of incontinence:

“I’m sitting in the car waiting for [my husband] to return a Redbox. The guy in the car next to me just sneezed so hard his face hit the steering wheel and honked his horn. So glad I didn’t go inside this time!” (my paraphrase)

To this day, whenever I’m having a down moment, I think about how funny it would be to see someone honk their car horn with their noggin because of the power of their sneeze.

I’m sympathetic, you see, because I sneeze like a Howitzer machine gun. I’ve popped my back on several occasions when a sneaky sneeze slips out.

Tonight I was thinking my funny thoughts and remembered that status update. It made me wonder what other status updates are out there that could share hilarity with the general populace. So I enlisted The Google and… here you have it!

(You can thank me in the comments!)

1. “FYI: “Thrifting” auto-corrects to “thrusting.” You know, just in case you wanted to thank a friend for a successful night of thrift shopping via text message. You’re welcome for the heads up.”

2. If you’re on the treadmill next to me, the answer is “Yes. We are racing.”

3. “I like sleeping it’s like death without commitment.”

4. “Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.”

5. “Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they’re telling me that I’m doing a great job driving.” (Funny thing, this is honestly what Uno believed for a long time! We discovered it on a road trip!)

6. “I just read through my Facebook feed… A moment of silence for proper spelling and grammar. RIP.”

7. “Just high fived that wall with my face.”

8. ““Be strong.” I whispered to my wifi signal.”

9. “I put a potato on my shoulder cuz a chip just wasn’t enough.”

10. “I’m not crying. I’m washing my face like a caveman.”

11. “I’m throwing my phone down the toilet now. I know it’s going to happen, so I might as well decide when.”

12. “I can’t even imagine the self-control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.”

13. “Good morning. I see the assassins have failed.”

14. “What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?”

15. “Having a 14-year-old has made me realize why some species eat their young.”

16. “Getting Lasik done this morning. If my next post is in braille, you’ll know it didn’t go well.”

17. “I like to name my ipod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ I click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.”

18. “Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy.””

19. “A bug just landed on my computer screen and my first reaction was on try and scare it away with the cursor.”

20. “Uno just asked me: “Why does my poop not stink to me but it stinks to you?” I have no answer for that.”

Now, what are the funniest status updates you’ve ever read? Tell us in the comments!

This post was originally published September 21, 2012 and is being recycled as part of the “I’ve Been Around” summer! Hope you enjoyed it and I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!