Companion Guide to Gray Hair

Today, while I was completely engrossed in a sermon about the importance of youth groups, I noticed a Hannah Montana bag being used as a purse.

By a woman who was easily in her 40s.

Now I know that I shouldn’t be judgmental, particularly in a house of God!, but a possibly menopausal woman carrying a teen queen handbag is just at least three different kinds of wrong.

I tell you what, the knowledge that this fashion statement is being made in my own town just took my mind completely off the sermon and on to contemplating other things that women should give up for the good of the community once they start getting gray hair:

1. Pig Tails. I was headed to pick the girls up from daycare a few years ago when I came across another mom trotting down the hallway with two pig tails swinging merrily off her head. The combination of sassy hair and saggy skin made me literally pause in my step, experience a deep sense of woe and deliberately choose not to stare.

2. Tennis Outfits as Normal Attire. I don’t care if you have legs like Jamie Lee Curtis. Follow the rule that your lower clothing must be longer than your fingertips stretched down at your side. It’s safer for the whole community to keep the athletic attire isolated to the environment it was designed to compliment.

3. Using Text Message Slang. I can’t help it – when I have a text message conversation with the mother of one of our college students and it says something like, “so glad u could talk 2 me lol! i want to c if suzy can go 2 class b4 dinner w her bf,” my estimation of their intelligence goes down significantly. Just use real words for your electronic communication. It’ll be ok. Promise.

4. Quoting High School Musical in conversation. Being able to sing along to the lyrics of High School Musical as a thirty-something is kind of like watching the Fresh Beat Band on the Disney channel. You’re looking at these adults dressed up like middle schoolers and know there’s something wrong. It makes you feel a little slimy and like you need to wash your hands. Compulsively.

5. Having a real crush on Justin Beiber. I don’t care that his hair is a hot commodity that can be sold on eBay for thousands. I don’t care whether he’s talented or not or that he has a really strange relationship with Ellen Degeneres. For any woman over age 28 who has seriously analyzed whether he’s date-worthy I have some advice: Jail Bait. Stay away or prepare to wear the orange jumper.

What are some tips you have for those entering into the “middle stage” of life?

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