Spitting Nails (or, How to Hold A Grudge)

Last night we got together with some good friends. The scene was idyllic, Mayberry-like even, as we sat on their front porch watching our kids ride bikes up and down the street, play in the sandbox and eat watermelon.

“How’s StealingFaith going?” asked the man of the house.

“Pretty good,” I said. I told him the most surprising aspect of the stats: on any given day internet surfers from every continent visit StealingFaith (except Antarctica – penguins don’t care about Google)… and they almost exclusively enter on the How to Say You’re Sorry post.

“Too bad you can’t do a series around that,” he said. We looked at each other thoughtfully, then called in our spouses, devilish gleams in our eyes. “Let’s brainstorm on How to Hold a Grudge!”

So, we did. I can’t claim all of this creativity as my own, as this post is the product of four minds and a lot of laughter, but I am pretty tickled with the result.

If you’re going to wallow in unforgiveness and absolutely, under no circumstances, never, ever, EVER, say you’re sorry, well you’d best do it right.

5 Excellent, Practical Ways to Hold A Grudge

1. Spit. One of the best parts of holding a grudge is to become viscerally involved. When you hear the person’s name mentioned, spit. Spit loudly, spit often, spit viciously, and, if at all possible, spit on the actual person. (a.k.a. Enraged Expectorant.)

2. Gossip. If you’re going to have “duel at dawn” with someone, call in the troops. Get as many mutual friends talking as possible – perhaps even offer sugary sweets, like petit-fours!, as incentive to draw people to your side. If you can get enough people involved to create a flash mob of fuming friends, complete with choreographed dance moves of dissatisfaction… you are an expert grudge-meister!

3. Take it public. Look for opportunities for rabid retribution. Take to Facebook, Twitter – or better yet! – LinkedIn! – with lengthy explanations of their churlish behavior. Post unflattering photos of your frenemy, perhaps even create a viral video on YouTube. Better yet, give their phone number to a couple “free quote” pages on the internet! The possibilities for community censure are boundless.

4. Retaliate. Still have a key to their home? Sneak in and put Nair in their hair conditioner, tea bags in the shower head, Saran Wrap on the toilet seat and itching powder in their bed! Reset their computer’s hard drive, hide the remote control in the oven, change the alarm clock, stick a jack in the toe of their shoe. Get creative. Make them regret their behavior.

5. Pitch a Tent. Don’t even consider “getting over it.” Park on the affront. Spend time each day replaying the grievance in your head and stoke the fire of fury. Sink into a Darth Vader-like black hole of despair if necessary, spurn all attempts as reconciliation. Find a picture of Gollum from the Lord of the Rings trilogy; frame it, kiss it every night before bed and sleep with it under your pillow. Refer to your grudge as, “my precious.”

(Please, please, please tell me you understand this is a post written with sarcasm. I don’t actually advocate unforgiveness. In fact, there are a number of studies that provide proof revenge hurts your health and dwelling on retribution lessens empathy. So… if you actually have a chance to make peace… do that instead of follow these tips! Forgiveness… it’s a good thing.)

What are some of your favorite ways to hold a grudge?

*If you like this post, would you please share it with your “tribe” via email, facebook, twitter, pinterest, etc.?*