Trashed

ericortner / stock.xchngTrashed

If there is one thing, one tiny, itsy bitsy thing, that makes me scream the wild scream of insanity it’s having the kids go through our trash like suspicious reporters trying to find a nugget of discarded treasure.

We have always operated on a “no plowing through the trash” policy around here. I don’t go through the trash. My husband doesn’t go through the trash. Not even the Great Dane or the poodles go through the trash.

But the kids. They’re trash maniacs.

A drawing on a piece of paper? It’s treated like a long lost Picasso.

A broken toy? I gave up much too soon and with proper Tender Loving Care, unlimited access to glue sticks, and scissors it can be restored to wholeness.

And – God Forbid! – a sticker?! Just cause for a pyrotechnic display.

Today was particularly bad. One of our winter coats disintegrated in the post-season washing and I gave up on it. I hid it in a trash bag – yes, it was colored, you trash affectionados who have dealt with this before – and waited. But, alas, I should have removed it from the premises after bed time. Instead it was a ticking time bomb of emotion, innocently sitting beside our regular kitchen trash can.

It was discovered.

The tears began.

The questions… oh! The endless questions of motive!

Until I am left to hide behind my computer screen and pour my angst out to the world.

But the coat’s still in the bag.

Do you ever hide things from your children in the trash?

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Copyright © StealingFaith.com 2010-2013 | All rights reserved

Great Apps for 5-Year-Olds

Favorite Apps Around Here

I recently posted about great apps for 7-year-olds and it turns out our 5-year-old is disgruntled that her opinion wasn’t solicited.

Everyone is so touchy these days!

In honor of our jealous 5-year-old, here you have it, the favorite iPhone/iTouch/iPad apps of our 5-year-old daughter:

1. Little Dentist. I hope you’re not like me. I get nauseated looking at all things teeth, a tendency which is really awful when you have a child losing their teeth and wanting to show you their wiggly tooth non stop. BUT – assuming you can handle teeth better than I can, your 5-year-old may enjoy an opportunity to use the dental tools to clean teeth and fill cavities. (Just not swish and spit.)

PBS Kids

2. PBS Kids. The PBS Kids app allows kids to watch different shows that air on PBS channel. Since each area has a local PBS station with a different line up, this app allows us to have our kids watch shows that aren’t aired in our area. Plus, all of the PBS shows have an educational component, something we really appreciate.

Money Pig

3. Money Pig. What could be more fun for a youngster than trying to catch money flying through the air? This game combines fun, finance, and swine in one place. What’s not to love?!

Highlights iSp

4. Highlights iSpy. My favorite magazine as a kid has come up with an app that encourages kids to use their spying skills to discern the location of hidden object. iSpy games are hit for our family!

Dots for Tots

5. Dots for Tots. I was honestly surprised when Dos told me this is one of her favorite games because it seems pretty elementary to me. Just connect the dots and make a picture. But she likes it, so it’s time to share it with you and hope it enhances your child’s numerical skill set.

Snail Race

6. Snail Race. There is no redeeming value to this game. It’s a snail wandering around and challenging different creatures to a race. That’s it. Nothing special. Nothing educational. And yet… it’s a favorite! They have to tap with their thumbs a lot to win the race. It’s the precursor to a lifetime of snail love.

Fruited Life.

7. Fruited. Remember when Tetris swept the nation and you’d sneak off to the arcade to slip a quarter into the Tetris game? Yeah. Me, too. Our kids don’t do that anymore. Instead they play really similar games in the privacy of their own homes. Bet they catch less germs that way!

Talking Gina

8. Talking Gina. I do NOT understand WHY the kids love the “talking” animals, but they do. Hearing something copy you word for word, over an over, is one of the most annoying things I can imagine. But all three kids like theirs so I’ve had to make peace with the Talking Gina et. al.!

9. Go Car Go. So, you build your car. You take a trip. The end. This app is supposed to be an excellent introduction to algebra. I’m glad it exists. The end.

Easy Bake Treats

10. Easy Bake Treats. Here’s another conundrum: why does my daughter get a major thrill out of pretending to decorate cakes and cupcakes. Is this a severely strange game? Yes. It is. But it encourages baking, so there’s that, right?

What are some of your favorite apps for kids?

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Copyright © StealingFaith.com 2010-2013 | All rights reserved

My promise to You

It’s hard to make promises.

You never know when circumstances may change. When there will be a strange weather pattern. Or family disaster.

Life is just unpredictable.

With that being said. I feel comfortable making this promise to you:

I will never pose for a family portrait that looks anything like this.

I will never do this. Ever.

(For what it’s worth, when I showed this picture to Dos she said, “Awww! Those are so cute! Can we do that?!” My heartless answer? “NO.”)

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Copyright © StealingFaith.com 2010-2013 | All rights reserved

Impossible Polenta

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In keeping with the food theme of the blog this week, I made the worst family dinner of my life tonight. It was so bad, in fact, that my daughter said she wished she could eat salt instead.

Because salt is certain to fill her up.

I’m not certain what went wrong with the dinner except it appears we aren’t adventurous enough as a family to handle the Sautéed Mushroom Polenta with Eggs Emeals suggested for this week. I ended up with a frying pan full of polenta that could double as paint spackle and four children crying at the dinner table.

Them’s the breaks, kids, them’s the breaks.

Despite tonight’s culinary faux pas, I’m glad that we’re doing Emeals again. If you’re not familiar with the program, you can sign up for weekly menus. They tailor the recipes for the national discounts given at grocery stores, so you end up saving money and getting a nutritionally balanced meal plan that keeps you from having to think about anything!

This week we had four meals we’ve never seen before and tonight’s polenta will be going down in history but likely never resurfacing on our dinner table. In fact, when I told the kids it wasn’t my favorite, Uno lit up like a Christmas light and said, “Hallelujah! I prayed you would say we’d never have this again!”

I just thought I’d share for the people who feel like they’re horrible cooks. I never cook a meal where at least one of the kids won’t end up crying or complaining because they don’t like the food.

Them’s the breaks, kids, them’s the breaks. Ha!

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Copyright © StealingFaith.com 2010-2013 | All rights reserved

Octopus Testicles

Colossal Octopus by Pierre Denys de Montfort

I talked myself out of quitting homeschooling again today.

I quit homeschooling about twice a week. This is because my children do not sit obediently at little desks and look up at me with cherubic faces, begging to learn. Instead they do their work sprawled out on the sofa while bugging each other and there’s usually a younger sibling asking me for a snack, a drink, a potty time, etc. while I’m trying to explain the place value of numbers. It’s hectic!

When things get rough I go back to my original post about why we homeschool. Nothing has changed, but I wish this choice were easier! Since I have no compelling reason to challenge our original ideals, I love the curriculum we use with Classical Conversations, and I usually think my kids hung the moon after I’ve had a good night’s sleep, twice a week I tear up my resignation, put my big girl panties on, and stick around.

This week I’ve been analyzing the choice once again.

As you know, recently a car accident killed an acquaintance of ours and her children. Last month another family in our social circle lost their eight-year-old daughter in a boating accident.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about mortality, walking through the emotion of grief with these situations… and homeschooling came into play in my internal dialogue.

I’ve never been a “fire and brimstone” type of person – I don’t talk about life change based on the fear factor because I don’t believe we’re called to walk in fear and I also find fear to be a dirty motivator that doesn’t spawn lasting change.

But if, by a horrible circumstance, my children were killed in some way, I would be resentful of every moment I missed. I would hate that I didn’t see them read their first words, that I wasted the opportunity to know them in a moment-by-moment way.

Just this morning I was talking to Dos about Kraken, the mythological giant octopus that sailors of old used as spooky stories. We talked about fiction and myths and about the octopus of today. She thought about it and said:

“Mommy! An Octopus can be as big as the ceiling? Bigger than me?!”

“Yep, very big!” I assured her. It was a proud educational moment.

She got a look of shock on her face and said, “Oh! So I could get died from its mighty testicles?!”

“That’s tentacles, my dear,” I said. Proud moment… destroyed.

I will laugh about octopus testicles for the rest of my life! But if I had been rushing her out the door this morning with her lunch box and school bag… I would have missed it.

I believe our kids are a gift from God that are our responsibility to steward. It’s my job as a mom to satisfy their physical needs of food, housing, clothing, cleanliness. But it’s my privilege as a parent to meet their intellectual and emotional needs so that when the time comes they can be released into this world capable of functioning in a mature, well-versed and useful manner.

There is very little about the role of a mother that is easy. I would many times prefer to be back in my professional life because the lines aren’t so blurry and I’d work with people who already have a skill set as a functioning adult. (And don’t cry when I tell them no or ask me to wipe their behinds.)

But I don’t want to miss this. I don’t want to miss the octopus testicles. I want to be present at more than breakfast and bedtime, to live the process instead of witness only the end of the year performance.

My definition of motherhood may not work for anyone else – and that’s fine because it really only needs to fit me. But, for me, some things are more important than my preference or convenience. I choose attentiveness to those things for as long as this season lasts.

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Copyright © StealingFaith.com 2010-2013 | All rights reserved

That Ain’t Bambi

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The past bit of time has been extremely hectic and filled with Concerns, so tonight I sat down and thought about things that make me laugh.

I took a look at Samba the Great Dane, who is roughly the size of a pony, and remembered the story of the deer who attacked a hunter. Take a moment to watch this video: Deer Attack.

Now. I’m not sure about you but to me there were two items giving this story a certain comic appeal:

A) Urine. I understand commitment to a hobby, but the guy sprayed the urine of another creature all over his body and into his mouth. That takes a special kind of crazy and it absolutely a respectable reason for getting his head hammered by a hoofed grazer.

B) Matrimony. This dude has obviously spent so much time hunting his wife has decided he has whatever he gets coming to him. The lady didn’t drop the video camera and run to assist… nope… she kept the camera rolling while her husband got molested by a wild animal.

As a child I visited a Deer Farm located near our home. I always loved petting and feeding the deer, their black, shiny, snotty noses snuffling after me for bits of corn. It was a highlight!

Now, I don’t think I’ll take my kids to the Deer Farm for quite awhile. I had never realized how vicious one of those animals can be,but lesson learned from my urine swigging friend, I will avoid the stag at all costs until my children are old enough to take one for the team themselves.

What stuck out to you about this video?

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Copyright © StealingFaith.com 2010-2013 | All rights reserved

Advice to the Soon-to-Be Mother

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It’s Mother’s Day and I heard a rumor that I am a mother.

The funniest part about that rumor is… it’s true! There are some people who think because I’ve birthed four children I know something about mothering… little do they know it only means I have lost the majority of my brain cells and have upped my potential need for Depends as a geriatric.

I have several friends who are about to pop with their first child, so in their honor, here are a few bits of advice to ponder about motherhood:

1. To my friend who has spent most of her life a slight bit smaller in circumference than the knuckle on my pinkie finger: your body will not ever recover from the stress of a multi-pound mass spreading your hips. You won’t care.

2. To my friend who has been fiercely independent and worried about being able to love anyone completely unselfishly: there will be a moment when you realize you will do anything for your child. It won’t be a feeling you planned, it will sneak up on you and suddenly you’ll be overwhelmed with an amazing amount of pure, unfiltered love and find yourself shopping for your child instead of yourself on your birthday or Mother’s Day. But don’t worry if it doesn’t happen immediately – you aren’t an emotional cripple. You’re adjusting to a new phase of life and that takes time.

3. To my friend who is finally pregnant after years of infertility: you will be disappointed. When you’ve waited so long for a dream to come true, it won’t ever quite match up exactly to your hopes and imagination. However… the reality will be more luscious and awesome than you could have envisioned for your life. And it will be worth it.

4. To my friend who is finally having the baby of the opposite gender: you’ll be glad you were a Scrooge and kept the toys the older kiddos didn’t like. This new one will be interested in them, because no matter what social science would like us to believe, there are innate gender differences.

5. To my friend who discovered the vasectomy failed: I’m praying for you. And will be here to lend support as needed – but it’s obvious God had a plan for you that’s destined to be fantastic – and when God has a plan it’s a pretty good idea to fall in line.

Now, in the nature of miscellaneous motherly advice, here you go, you new mothers and moms-to-be:

Go to MOPS. It’s a place you don’t have to suck your tummy in.
Spend less time thinking about the crib bedding and more time staring into their eyes. That’s time well spent.
Carry your child across your midsection for the first several months. People will notice their cuteness instead of your leftover lard baby.
Let people hold the baby. There will be fewer offers once the child gets older and limited exposure to strange people germs builds immunities.
Be intimate with your husband. Yes, I know that’s how you got knocked up in the first place but he’ll be there in your old age while your kids are backpacking Europe and having their own babies. Keep him happy and he’ll keep you happy.
Try not to worry about the sleep issue. No one really knows what’s best for sleep training and half of us are sleep deprived for decades. Just invest in a coffee pot and a sense of humor.
Don’t scrimp when it comes to buying a nursing bra. You live in those things 24/7, so get what’s comfortable.
Never underestimate the joys of a nice pair of yoga pants. They cover a multitude of abdominal sins and don’t carry the surrendered, shameful stigma of pajama jeans.
Let people open the doors and give up their seats for you. The pregnancy is a brief, blissful interlude of time where people will go out of their way to make your life a bit more comfortable. In just a few short months you’ll be getting the stink eye from the Granny as your kiddo screams their way through the check out line… enjoy the non-judgmental courtesy while you can.
Create memories. Write down why you’re excited about being a mother, your perceptions of parenting. Find a special token that will remind you of the hope and anticipation involved in child rearing. Remember you can truly like to spend time with your children, even when they’re teenagers! Give yourself touch points to come back to in the times of struggle. They will remind you why you’re willing to go out in public with vomit on your shoulder. Because they’re worth it.

What pieces of advice would you offer to a new mom?

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The Tired Mother’s Creed

robday / stock.xchng

“I shall embrace the fact that in becoming a mom I traded perfect for a house full of real.”

I came across this credo about a year ago… then today as I am frantically going through my email to make sure I don’t miss anything before we leave for a Rabbit Road Trip it popped up again. And it hit me at just the right spot so I wanted to share it with you!

Thank you to The Gypsy Mama, Lisa Jo Baker!

Repeat after me:

I shall not judge my house, my kid’s summer activities or my crafting skills by Pinterest’s standards.
I shall not measure what I’ve accomplished today by the loads of unfolded laundry but by the assurance of deep love I’ve tickled into my kids
I shall say “yes” to blanket forts and see past the chaos to the memories we’re building.
I shall surprise my kids with trips to get ice cream when they’re already in their pajamas.
I shall not compare myself to other mothers, but find my identity in the God who trusted me with these kids in the first place.
I shall remember that a messy house at peace is better than an immaculate house tied up in knots.
I shall play music loudly and teach my kids the joy of wildly uncoordinated dance.
I shall remind myself that perfect is simply a street sign at the intersection of impossible and frustration in Never Never land.
I shall embrace the fact that in becoming a mom I traded perfect for a house full of real.
I shall promise to love this body that bore these three children – out loud, especially in front of my daughter.
I shall give my other mother friends the gift of guilt-free friendship.
I shall do my best to admit to my people my “unfine” moments.
I shall say “sorry” when sorry is necessary.
I pray God I shall never be too proud, angry or stubborn to ask for my children’s forgiveness.
I shall make space in my grown up world for goofball moments with my kids.
I shall love their father and make sure they know I love him.
I shall model kind words – to kids and grown-ups alike.
I shall not be intimidated by the inside of my minivan – this season of chip bags, goldfish crackers and discarded socks too shall pass.
I shall always make time to encourage new moms.
I shall not resent that last call for kisses and cups of water but remember instead that when I blink they’ll all be in college.

~ with love from one tired mother to another.

This was originally printed on June 20, 2012 at LisaJoBaker.com

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10 Spot Ramble: Checkers!

We all know this kid will be terribly embarrassed of this photo someday.

We all know this kid will be pretty embarrassed of this photo someday.

Someone found StealingFaith by typing in “are socks older than checkers?”

Call me crazy (I know that’s the most tame of all the terms I’ve been called in my lifetime) but I think that’s a fantastic question to ask! (The answer is, “No.”) I’ve already explored fun facts about socks, and I think this random search engine term is the perfect diving board to discover more about checkers, everyone’s favorite childhood game.

10 Spot Ramble: Checkers!

1. Checkers does not care about Prime Numbers. If the creators of checkers cared about prime numbers, which are numbers only divisible by 1 and themselves, they would not have chosen to have 64 squares on a checker board. They further thumbed their noses at mathematicians across the centuries by designating 12 playing pieces per opponent. Oh! The nerve!

2. Checkers is not a drink, nor a drinking game. It is, however, called “draughts” in many countries. Which explains why some people might find playing Checkers with a malted beverage alluring. Personally, I find a level head increases my competitiveness, so I will not be drinking a draught while playing draughts.

3. Checkers is not from New Mexico. Scholars believe the modern Checkers game evolved from a similar game played as far back as 1400 B.C. called Alquerque or Quirkat that was played in ancient Egypt, Rome, Greece and India. It’s important to note that Egypt, Rome, Greece, and India are not in the United States or New Mexico (which I think is an independent country in all ways that really matter) but it’s obvious “Alquerque” has influenced the name choice of Albuquerque.

4. International Fame and Fortune. World checkers champions have been recognized since 1847. I’m not sure why someone would travel the world for a checkers tournament, but I suppose there have been lesser rationales for going abroad. Just ask Hemingway.

5. Checkers are not Chinese. Though they share a name and similar concepts, Checkers and Chinese Checkers are not related. Chinese Checkers has nothing to do with China, and originated in Germany. The game was put on the market in the early 1900s and was called “Chinese Checkers” to capitalize on the public’s familiarity with checkers and to give the game an oriental flavor, as a marketing ploy.

6. Checkers is for Predestinationers. In the 1500s the rules of Checkers were rewritten so that, if given an opportunity to “jump” an opponent, the jump must be taken. This forced capture rule removes free choice. And the reference to predestination and Calvinism is quite obscure unless you happen to be married to a guy with a degree in Biblical Studies. Which I am. So I do know the differences between Calvinism and Armenianism, though I won’t go into that now because we’re talking about Checkers, not religion. Sheesh!

7. Checkers is Obsessive. Perhaps every hobby had its proponents who are more fanatical than rational… there is no doubt that Checkers has drawn its own following of cultic red and black square hoppers who have access to the internet. Want proof – this page, dedicated to “Leon H. Goans, who trained me in the traditional manner of (1) defeating me game after game by mail, (2) offering advice and encouragement, (3) losing to me now and then as his health deteriorated, and (4) giving me much of his checkers library.” The idea of playing Checker by mail gives me hives. But that’s because I’m not obsessive. About Checkers.

8. Level Playing Field. There are a few moves so aggressive, so cunning, so… divine that they have been banned from formal Checkers games. I don’t know what they are. I will likely never need them, as I rarely find myself in a cutthroat Checkers game. But it’s nice to know these moves exist and are banned.

9. Families that Play Together, Stay Together. Truth is, as a child my mom got so mad at my uncle over a game of Sorry she refused to let my sister and I play it as children. So the idea of board games ensuring domestic, familial bliss is a bit bogus. That being said, it makes sense that if you can play board games together there’s a decent chance your family is liking one another and communicating. So it’s not that much of a stretch to assume Checkers = Family Values.

10. Ridges are best. As an informally trained Checkers player I have experiences three different Checkers boards and playing pieces in my lifetime. This obviously makes me an expert. As an expert I’m just going to put it out there that the playing pieces with ridges are absolutely more awesome than the smooth fellers. If you’ve got a King or Queen that keeps losing its crown you’ve got a problem on your hands. Ridges make them stick better and that’s a good thing.

Thanks for enjoying your most recent addition of the 10 Spot Ramble. May all your checkered days be fruitful and full of victory.

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On Facebook

commons.wikimedia.org

This morning I checked Facebook when I woke up. It’s become my morning tradition, my way of considering what’s happening around the world before I dare to stick my toes out of the covers and face what’s happening in my own home.

Sometimes I feel guilty for how I use Facebook, because, let’s face it – Facebook is a socially acceptable way of being a Peeping Tom. We show up, creep around on a newsfeed reading about other people’s lives, and often exit the conversation without saying a word.

Not a model of healthy relationships.

At about 6:23 a.m. I realized that while I’ve been posting stories of my three-year-old old surprise pooping in public, my caffeine addiction and lack of sleep… my friends have been using Facebook to privately message a prayer request as cancer spreads and financial burdens overwhelm; to mourn with a local family whose 8-year-old was killed in a boating accident; and announce an ER visit to treat a bullet wound. (I laughed, shook my head, and gave thanks that my friend was shot in the arm and relatively unharmed. And of course I responded, “It’s all fun and games until someone gets shot in the arm.”)

Real life. Not made up social blustering and preening.

I don’t see many stories of people bragging on my news feed when I go on Facebook. Most of my Facebook friends are vaguely well-balanced, authentic, and have a knack for fitting life into two-to-three sentences before they hit “post.”

I realize this isn’t the case for everyone. In fact, I’ll never forget the Yellow Pages salesman who, during a sales visit to our business, said we should keep our Yellow Pages ad because most people were like him and just used Facebook to “creep on hot chicks before bed.” I was appalled then and still stunned at his lack of professionalism now.

I realize Facebook can be a detriment, add covetousness to your life, and act as a phenomenal time waster.

This morning, however, I’m grateful for the ability social media has to mobilize the troops to help; to quickly communicate significant life events (always good to know your friend really is pregnant when she’s in that awkward “fluffly” stage of gestation); to provide access to experts in your area of interests; to provide a belly laugh when needed (still go back to the status update a friend posted about seeing a man sneeze in his car, hit his head on the steering wheel, and honk the horn! It’s been almost two years since she posted that and I still laugh out loud).

Thanks, friends. I appreciate you. And Facebook – I appreciate you, too.

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Stealing Faith

humor for relationships, family & life

Tag Archives: humor

Trashed

Great Apps for 5-Year-Olds

My promise to You

Impossible Polenta

Octopus Testicles

That Ain’t Bambi

Advice to the Soon-to-Be Mother

The Tired Mother’s Creed

Repeat after me:

10 Spot Ramble: Checkers!

On Facebook