Playing the Field

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Do you ever wish your marriage was easier? Friendlier? Different?

Everyone who has been married for more than about 10 minutes has a moment or two when the twinkle in their eye turns into a hard glint and they wonder exactly what universe their spouse inhabits and how it ever connected with their own long enough to say, “I do”!

Last week, after several weeks of lack of communication in our household due to sickness, parenting, and busyness, I was having one of those moments. You know the ones… when your temper is short, the chip on your shoulder is large, and you find yourself wanting to snatch yourself bald in frustration!

Oh, those are the moments ripe for shoving your foot in your mouth.

Fortunately for me, this time, wisdom intervened and the perspective I gained from them helped me re-establish communication with my husband in a kind, authentic, and thoughtful way. Can I share it with you?

First, two blogs posted the same quote from Elizabeth Elliot on the same day, so I found two emails stating the same thing when I turned on the computer:

“A wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to perhaps eighty percent of her expectations. There is always the other twenty percent that she would like to change, and she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it by very much. She may, on the other hand, simply decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy.”

(As quoted in Feminine Appeal, Mahoney, p 41)

Well. Doesn’t that stink to read from two sources right when you’re hitting your stride in a hissy fit?!

I was so disgruntled about the truth in this statement that later that day I complained to a girlfriend. She whapped me over the head with another simple, profound illustration:

“If you were a coach, say of a soccer team, you’d be intentional about every player you put on the field, right?” my wise friend said. I agreed with her premise.

“If you want a really competitive team you make sure you have the right person on the field for the right position. And once you’ve gotten that dynamic team put together, you guard it very carefully.” She waited for my nod before going on.

“If you were that coach, after really investing in each of those players and teaching them their positions – would you pull the goalie out and ask them to be a striker?” she asked me. “Of course not! Because they are the goalie and they’re excellent at being a goalie… and there is another player who is excellent in the forward position.”

“You’d never expect your keeper to score for you because that’s not their gifting; you’d also never put your forward in the box and expect them to accomplish a shut out.” By this time I knew where she was going but somehow managed to keep my mouth shut and not interrupt her.

“Your spouse has been designed to play a position on the “Life Team” that is perfect for them… but they aren’t created to play every single position on the field and it’s not fair to ask them to do that,” she said. “Instead, why not celebrate them for the role they do fill with excellence and back off the criticism when they aren’t perfect in every way?”

Makes sense to me! Isn’t it awesome when your friends are incredibly smart?! Hope this perspective helps you as much as it did me this week!

Here’s to giving your spouse grace… and a prompt to celebrate them for what they do best this week!

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Copyright © StealingFaith.com 2010-2013 | All rights reserved

Drummers, please Drum: Introducing…

Bubby’s first photo opportunity, back when we though he was a girl.

I’m doing my own version of the 12 Days of Christmas this year. Today, on the day lyrically celebrated by 12 drummers drumming, I’m going to republish the 12th most popular post on StealingFaith in 2012.

That’s a lot of twelves. I like the symmetry of it all. While you enjoy this little walk down memory lane, I’m going to sit next to my husband on the sofa, listen to the snow fall, and watch a pre-recorded Duck Dynasty. Yep, my life is exciting like that.

And, in case you thought I was announcing a fifth pregnancy, Gotcha. No. Way. Hoo. Say.

Without further ado: Introducing…

I’ve decided to call this one “Fyra,” that’s “four” in Swedish.

We are not Swedish in ancestry, though I have often admired the Swedish beauty, strength and braids. “Fyra” is easier to type than “cuatro,” “quattro,” or “si,” which is Japanese and easy to type, but also sounds so similar to their word for death it is often confusing to the non-native speakers.

So… we’ll go with the Swedes.

And we’re really excited to meet this new little one. The ultrasound maestro said she’s 80% sure this little one is a girl.

We like girls.

(The December 18, 2012 response to this post… this was the single highest read post that wasn’t a search engine fluke I’ve ever had on StealingFaith. Turns out… there was an unnoticed appendage in the above ultra sound photo and we produced a boy instead of a girl. And I call him Bubby, not Fyra. He’s pretty cool – we’ve discovered we like boys, too.)

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How to Annoy Your Spouse

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Every once in awhile I get a wee bit of the devil in me, don’t we all?!

Admittedly, when the devil crops up in my life, my poor husband is usually the recipient. Tonight, inspired by this blog post, I want to share a few things that will likely inspire ire in your spouse.

1. Wake them up at dawn by singing the fight song of your college alma mater.

2. Eat chips in bed… on their side.

3. Leave cabinet doors open at eye level, begging for their head to be smashed.

4. Spend a lot of time on the toilet, the sacrosanct room of the house. But make sure you bring your smart phone to play Words with Friends or check status updates.

5. Place Saran Wrap over the toilet seat before going to bed at night.

6. Put yogurt in the mayonnaise jar but forget to mention the swap.

7. Sell possessions they brought into the marriage on Craig’s List.

8. Ask if you can talk during critical moments of television time.

9. Cry. Inexplicably. Just cry. Get it all out.

10. Order a different beverage than they order, then drink all of their beverage.

11. Leave the bathroom door cracked open while they shower.

12. Take the batteries out of the remote control. Ask them to fix it for you.

13. Put a rubber band around the handle on the kitchen sink spray nozzle. Point it towards the front of the sink and wait for them to turn on the water.

14. Reverse their contact lenses in the case.

15. Switch around the contacts on their phone. Exchange their best friend’s name for their parent’s.

16. Fill the mail box with ping pong balls or packing nuts. Ask them to get the mail for you.

17. Remove the plastic bags from cereal boxes and switch them around. Leave them wondering why Cheerios came out of a box of Lucky Charms.

18. Take some nail polish and coat a bar of soap with it. Let it dry. Then put it in the bathroom shower. When they try to use it, they will go nuts trying to get it to lather up.

19. Barely unscrew the lightbulb in their nightstand. Repeatedly.

20. Hide a large inflatable or scarecrow-type item behind the shower curtain.

For the record, I was born missing the “fun” gene. So, while I tend to think teasing my husband is great fun, I get mad when he turns these pranks around on me.

So I’ve learned not prank him. Because he always gets me back… worse. And then I get angry and that’s not awesome for marital harmony. So use your best judgement for your own relationship and don’t blame me for the consequences.

If all these pranks and annoying goodies are making you feel badly about how you treat your significant other, then take a gander over here to get some ideas of how to really love your mate.

In the meantime, what ideas do you have for annoying your spouse or playing an innocent prank on them?

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Opposites Inside-Out

Ueno Masao

It’s rare someone wants to be startled when they go to the bathroom – I am not the exception to this rule.

No, my husband didn’t hide behind the linen closet and jump out when I walked by, Dos wasn’t tucked into the bathtub trying to sleep, and there weren’t any spiders in the sink or dropping from the ceiling.

My surprise came from a much more innocuous source: underwear.

I just discovered I’ve been wearing my underwear inside-out all day long. I feel sheepish.

The funny part of this discovery, for me, is that I desperately want to blame someone for this faux pas. I don’t want to believe I’m dippy enough to not notice the clothing I’m wearing.

But I’m the one who folded the laundry. I’m the one who selected this particular undergarment, I’m the one who has worn it all day and not noticed.

Me. Just me.

What a bummer. But because I’m so desperate to blame someone, something, anything for this fashion mishap, I’ve decided to pin responsibility on “Mommy Brain.”

You know, the medical condition that curses normally intelligent women while pregnant and following childbirth? I also call it “a brain like Swiss cheese – sometimes there are entire holes missing in the processing action.”

My husband doesn’t understand this. He knows I’m relatively sharp in the mental department and can’t figure out why I’ve done things like put DVDs in the freezer or straight-up drive into a post. I have no plausible explanation for him.

But I did ask him if he was ever jealous of me being a girl.

“Honey… I don’t know how to say this without being rude, but I’m pretty sure there is no guy out there who has ever wanted to be a girl,” he said. I can’t remember the direct quote following this statement but it involved several stereotypes that I’m sure I’ve done nothing to promote in his brain over the years – things like not being able to control our emotions, over analyzing everything, never wanting to wear high heels…

I listened politely and then gave it another shot:

“There must be something you think girls can do that guys can’t do that’s pretty cool!” I pursued.

He was quiet for a little while. When he came up with his “one thing” his whole body perked up.

“I think it would be cool to feel the baby move,” he said. Then he opened his mouth to speak again: “I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want to be pregnant at all, though!”

I generously offered him the opportunity to carry a child and deliver it by caesarean section. I’m sure if Cher’s androgynous child Chaz can start life as a man and switch midstream to a woman there’s a doctor on the planet who could help us out with a male pregnancy. I saw Junior, that strange Arnold Swartzeneger movie where he was pregnant.

Despite such motivation, Lizard didn’t seem to think going the way of Arnold would work out for him.

Then he turned the question to me, what would I like to possess that men have?

“I would like to be able to open my own jars,” I answered, and it’s true. It never fails that I have to ask for help to open a jar. Terribly inconvenient.

I’m not gonna lie, I’d also like to have it a little more clearly laid out than to simply not notice your underwear is inside-out.

I’m convinced this is why we get married, so men can get close to the beginning of life and women can open every spaghetti sauce jar that heads their direction.

What would you enjoy about being of the opposite gender?

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Advice to My Younger, Infatuated Self

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Apparently I’m not the only person who has a few words of advice for their pre-married, giddy wedding-planning self.

It seems hindsight is 20/20. (Now, where have we heard that before?!)

Here are the words of wisdom I received from those people brave enough to comment:

“For every hour you spend planning the wedding, spend another hour working on the relationship. So many people get caught up with the right dress, the perfect centerpiece, that they forget it’s only a party at the end of the day.” ~ Meryl

“First, I’d say to myself, ‘You need Jesus.’ Second, I’d say, ‘You need to have an intimate, personal relationship with God your heavenly Father.’ If you do that, you will get through anything life throws at you.” ~ Dominique

“Don’t you ever take him for granted!” ~ Rebecka

“You can never be prepared for marriage. You are marrying a completely different person than yourself, and you cannot know how youwill grow and change or how they will grow and change. Just remember why you’re together–because you really love each other.” ~ Priscilla

“My single best piece of marriage advice is to buy a comforter/duvet one size larger than the bed. So for a queen bed, get a king-sized comforter. It solves probably 25% of marital arguments right off the bat.” ~ Mark

“When Christ talks about what love is, to lay down our lives for one another, that’s very practically lived out in marriage each and every day!” ~ Destiney

“Marriage is cyclical. Don’t give up. There will be ROUGH times, but hang on because there are rewards for being steadfast. Circumstances come and go, but as long as you are together you can face what comes. Never blame him or take him for granted. Take joy in the small things. He can’t be your everything, so be yourself and forge friendships. Above, be determined to love unconditionally.” ~ Kathryn

“Better get your big girl pants on! With as hard as marriage and motherhood can be, your love will grow strong enough to make it through the challenging times. Just keep praying and hold on tight!” ~ Mindy

Aren’t these people wise? I love people smarter than myself!

I’ve posted this list before, but it is worth revisiting as my final thoughts on the subject (for the time being):

10 Practical Ways to Show Love

(I am not the author, I just provide the commentary! If you know who wrote this, please let me know so I can give them credit.)

Listen without interrupting. (Proverbs 18) This is very important in our household because our ruffians interrupt constantly. I’ve gotten to a point where I can’t finish sentences or thoughts. When Lizard takes me to a quiet place and waits patiently for my words to come out, I fall in love with him all over again!

Speak without accusing. (James 1:19) Conflict happens but Lizard always reminds me, he’s not the enemy. We’re not battling against each other, we’re comrades battling to stay together – accusations are not helpful to quality communication.

Give without sparing. (Proverbs 21:26) True love is sacrificial. It’s fairly easy to get sacrificial love when you have a child, much more difficult for most people to give sacrificially to their spouse (as the spouse is more independent). Remember, anything worth having is worth working for… sacrifice can bless both of you!

Pray without ceasing. (Colossians 1:9) I catch myself singing songs as a prayer all the time. But one thing I am training myself to do when I am on the brink of behaving poorly (like, oh, screaming at my children until I burst blood vessels in my eyes and bite my tongue in half) is to literally stop and send up a prayer for wisdom, strength and maturity. It’s working!

Answer without arguing. (Proverbs 17:1) Tone of voice can make all the difference in “discussions.” Learning to answer evenly without throwing fuel to the fire of discord can create a space in the relationship for trust to build instead of defensiveness.

Share without pretending. (Ephesians 4:15) As scary as it is, just be you. Authenticity goes much, much farther than image.

Enjoy without complaint. (Philippians 2:14) We talk to our girls about using words that are like honey instead of vinegar. Learning to enjoy the positive in each moment is a life skill and will ultimately make you much more likable.

Trust without wavering. (Corinthians 13:7) No one deserves to be trusted. Period. We’ve all lied, some of us with huge lies and some with little but everyone has been untrustworthy in their lifetime. Even so, it’s far better to extend trust with the knowledge you may be betrayed than to withhold trust and never feel the freedom of love fulfilled.

Forgive without punishing. (Colossians 3:13) Oh, this is a hard one! Vindictiveness is so very human and so easy to instill in your relationship. Forgiveness doesn’t include shackles… it’s a key to freedom. Work to love your partner into the person they have potential to become!

Promise without forgetting. (Proverbs 13:12) I have six million thoughts in my head at any given time and I am so poor at remembering! That means I need to implement some changes in my life right now so that when I make a promise, I follow through. This will be a conscious decision that won’t be easy… but the benefits will be worth it. I want to be a person of my word!

Do you agree with these suggestions or think they’re crazy?

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Copyright © StealingFaith.com 2010-2013 | All rights reserved

Know This Before You Say, “I Do”!

Yep, our wedding day. It still makes me very happy to see.

I just had an encounter with the framed copy of our wedding invitation. As with most things important enough to me to hang on the wall, I don’t look at it all that often.

(When I do I’m immediately appalled at the amount of dust hiding in the corners of the frame. That, my friend, is why there are 20-some feet of dirt covering the Forum in Rome. Poor housekeeping. I see a long tradition of hatred of dusting here.)

I looked at that happy couple bearing remarkable similarity to Lizard and myself, minus the wrinkles, gray hair and extra pounds, and remembered the things I worried about in the weeks leading up to our marriage.

Our engagement photo.

Knowing how the last decade has panned out, what advice would I give that innocent, excited gal regarding her concerns?

1. You Won’t Be a Good Wife. You can’t be. The people who define “good” also mostly go by the name “They” and “They” don’t live in your skin or know your story. You can be the wife you were created to be and consciously choose to honor your husband repeatedly every day. (It’s ok for that choice to be hard. Do it anyway.)

2. He Really Does Care How You Look. Not so much about your lumpy tummy or hairstyle, which me may or may not take three weeks to notice you’ve changed, but the way your eyes light up when he enters the room, the way they go cold and lifeless when you’re disappointed in him. He cares how your mouth tightens in a frown or lifts in laughter. He will turn himself inside out to make you happy… and simply give up if you spend too much time criticizing his efforts.

3. Your Life Will NOT Turn Out Like You Hope. There’s no way for you to accurately predict your combined life in the future or create a five-year, ten-year, or 20-year plan. This is OK, you hyper-planner, outcome-directed, control freak! Learn to breathe through the days and let the years take care of themselves – they will whether you plan them or not!

4. What You Bring To the Marriage Is NOT Good Enough. You’re walking into the union with all these expectations and hopes and dreams and a solid sense of what you bring to the table. It’s not good enough – and never will be. What you saw your parents do will fail you. You must learn to eagerly negotiate a new family culture with your husband for your family. That can have flavors of what you knew growing up but should – must – be distinctly your own. That’s what “leave and cleave” means. If you can’t healthily choose your husband over your family, you have no business marrying him.

5. What Should You Be Doing? Pray for him, all day long – set a timer in the phone if needed. Keep the lights on in the bedroom and get some lingerie. Always spend less than you earn and try to live off one income from the get-go. Create memories. Don’t worry about the gray hairs or flabby stomach. Write love notes and hide them in his things. Surprise him. Do things both of you love and discover new shared interests. Sincerely compliment him publicly and privately. Give yourself grace. Fight – fight fairly but get conflicts settled so they don’t poison your future. RELAX.

What would you tell your pre-marriage self?

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Copyright © StealingFaith.com 2010-2013 | All rights reserved

50 Little Nudges Out of the Big Rut

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If you’re like me, on occasion things around the homestead get a little hairy and one day you are sipping a cup of the strongest coffee your machine can make and you realize you haven’t really looked your spouse in the eye for a few days.

It’s not a pretty realization. It makes me sad.

I think I’m not the only one who has this problem.

So I started brainstorming simple ways you can communicate love to your MOST significant other… if you incorporate just a few of these into your life, it can only help the hubba-hubba factor increase!

1. Hug for 30 seconds or longer. Relax into it.

2. Make eye contact.

3. Finish a conversation from start to finish, despite distractions.

4. Fix their coffee for them.

5. Make sure you’ve got your schedule on the master calendar.

6. Switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer.

7. Load/unload the dishwasher.

8. Plan a spontaneous trip.

9. Leave a love note in their lunch box.

10. Make a list of the reasons why you married them, then share it with them.

11. Give a back rub.

12. Let them go to the bathroom first when you’re both racing for it.

13. Ask them on a date.

14. Post a status update complimenting them, make sure you tag them in it.

15. Clarify for true understanding when tensions escalate.

16. Discover something new together.

17. Laugh. Tell a joke. Be silly.

18. Say, “I love you. Forever.”

19. Compliment them in front of your children.

20. Remind yourself of how you felt when you were dating.

21. Dust/clean their side of the bedroom.

22. Ask them what’s on their mind. Listen to the response.

23. Make their needs and wants your priority.

24. Give them a gift.

25. Allow them time with friends without guilt.

26. Be nice to their family members.

27. Pray for them.

28. Say you’re proud of what they do.

29. Make an inside joke.

30. Go on a date.

31. Take care of yourself.

32. Acknowledge their “A” for efforts.

33. Give them grace. Repeatedly.

34. Tell them their dreams aren’t foolish.

35. Be someone pleasing to spend time around.

36. Flirt with them.

37. Snatch quick kisses at the stoplight/drive through.

38. Hold hands.

39. Let them speak without interruption.

40. Don’t jump to conclusions.

41. Assume good will and that you’re on the same team.

42. Don’t say anything when you want to be critical.

43. Talk up their best qualities to your friends and family.

44. Clean up your messes.

45. Follow through on your promises.

46. Get in a tickle fight.

47. Indulge in something mutually enjoyable.

48. Respect them as you would your friend.

49. Don’t criticize yourself.

50. Play footsie under the table.

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New Skill Set: Scaring the Husband

I, too, flap my wings like Dr. Seuss' alligator!

I’d like to tell you about my special gift: scaring my husband to death.

I’ve discovered two brand-spankin’ new ways to do this.

One, randomly trip and fall. I learned this trick last night. I was carrying Tres at the play ground, on my way to collect Dos at the swing set and hit an uneven piece of sidewalk. It may have appeared specifically because uneven sidewalks are the handiwork of Satan, I’m not sure.

I am absolutely certain I fell face first onto the sidewalk, twisting my body midair and curling into a ball to protect both Tres’ head and the unborn infant in my midsection. It worked, no harm, no foul!

When Lizard realized I’d fallen, however, he was a sight to behold. He lofted himself over the fence and made it to my side in a pretty impressive manner. He even offered to kiss my boo-boos, but I chose to cover my wounds with Sesame Street bandages, instead.

Task complete: my husband’s heart stopped beating.

The second trick I’ve learned is also pregnancy-related. I have developed some version of Restless Leg Syndrome, except it’s centered in my arms and mostly takes place in the evenings.

I start to feel pins and needles at my biceps and suddenly I find myself waving my arms like that poor alligator in the Dr. Seuss book, Flap Your Wings. It’s fairly involuntary, a way for me to try to get the numbness to go away.

This isn’t troublesome to my husband when we’re hanging out together on the sofa in the evening. He gets a little crotchety later in the night, however.

I try to tell him that when I randomly fling my arms into the air at 3 a.m., I’m not trying to scare him to death. And the few times I’ve actually punched him in the face are a complete accident.

He understands, but seems to think his sleep pattern is being disrupted and waking up to a violent movement from his sleeping partner is unnerving.

(I should let loose a Rebel yell when I wake myself up with the Turrets-like muscles spasms. That’d really scare him! Seems kind of mean, though…)

Have you had any strange pregnancy-related occurrences? I’d love to hear about them!

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Pants On & Hands To Yourself!

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My stance on dating is too liberal to be conservative and too conservative to be liberal. It’s a problem, really.

When I was working for a small, conservative Christian college my attitude about dating made people nervous. (If only they knew when I was in college I had a steadfast rule: If you haven’t kissed by the third date the chemistry isn’t there and you’re destined for friendship in the relationship. That would have really made them bonkers!)

I believe in dating for fun because, well, it’s fun! I do realize my attitude can be the springboard for a heartache, and my heart has been hurt on more than one occasion over a stupid romantic move. Yet I also believe exposure to a wide variety of dates is a good way to figure out what you do and DO NOT want in your marriage.

That is a practical application of knowledge that can be literally life-saving!

My desire for students to break out of the mold and date a little caused consternation. Half of the suspicious students, the ones with personal commitments to kiss for the first time on their wedding day, thought I was advocating hooking people into sacrilegious pairs with programs like Speed Dating and Mission Impossible: Date Dash.

The other half of suspicious students thought it was wonderful I wasn’t recommending marrying the first person you kiss and embraced the opportunity to meet new people with the structure of a student life sponsored program.

Now, a good bit of time after I’ve left the college, I still get the random text from a previous student asking for my perspective on dating.

Last night it was: “What’s your opinion on dating just to date?”

Wooo-eeee! I rubbed my hands together with glee when I saw that on my phone because, well, you already know I LOVE to talk relationships!

“It can be SUPER FUN – as long as you keep your heart out of it,” I typed back.

My texting buddy wanted details.

“Casual dating becomes a problem when you compromise what you’re really looking for or if they fall for you and you’d never reciprocate the feelings… and if you start kissing and such, all over the planet,” I wrote.

Bottom line? Do it! But keep your pants on, hands to yourself, and heart guarded with an uzi and rocket launcher. Maybe some battery acid as well.

This attitude really tweaks off the person who wants to date only for marriage. I find that philosophy faulty, though, because I know a significant number of couples who decided they would date only for marriage and ended up married to someone who is a horrible fit for them!

The dating process is designed to learn about what works for you in a relationship! (And what doesn’t. I discovered early on a person with softly plumped hands who kisses like someone sucking on a wet wash rag is not for me. I also learned if he didn’t hold the door open on the first date there was a good chance that lack of respect would filter into every other part of the relationship.)

Casual dating is awesome… but also risky.

If you start a relationship with someone with the specific purpose of casual dating, expect to keep it short. When Mon Frere Casual Date is your main hang out partner six months later… you’re not casual dating anymore. You’re in a relationship.

If you find yourself making excuses for their addictions and habits but not cutting them loose because you want someone to spontaneously hang out with later… you’re not casual dating anymore. You’re enabling poor behavior out of selfishness on your part.

If you find yourself getting jealous when your casual date talks about dating someone else, watch out. Your perception has changed from someone to share a meal with on occasion to the person wanting a monogamous relationship.

The whole point of casual dating is… casual. No ties. Nothing you’ll feel embarrassed about later… just plain enjoyment of another for a season of life.

When you choose someone to date for fun, plan for the end of the relationship, sooner rather than later! Remember – you’re dating casually, so if you find yourself in tears at any point over the person, you’ve taken a wrong turn in the romantic buffet of joy… back away quickly!

What thoughts do you have about casual dating? Did you do it yourself? Did you ever find yourself in a relationship you didn’t want when casual dating went too far?

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Why You’re Still Single

Maybe You're Shallow

Oh, the single years.

I remember the single years very well, those times when every gathering provided an opportunity to scope out possible dating prospects.

Oh, the single years.

From the ripe, knowledgable perspective of almost eight years of marriage, my attitude toward the single years has changed. I look back now and wonder why I agonized over men who wouldn’t commit, first dates, and flirting games.

(Flirting games are kind of like the Hunger Games, but they typically involve much less dirt or need to pee in the wilderness.)

Recently I read an article by Tracy McMillan, Why You’re Not Married. It hit home because I saw the single, lonely, miserable, and confused version of myself in many of her points. (If you’re easily offended by blunt language, this may not be the article for you to click through and read.)

I loved her second explanation for why you aren’t married: Because You’re Shallow!

“When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man’s character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you’re not married, I already know it isn’t. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.

Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.”

Why do I love her words so much? Because I am an advocate of The List. And, valuable as the list can be, it can also lead us into shallow thinking.

If you’ve ever attended church camp, you’ve heard about The List. “Write down a list of all the things that are important to you to have in a spouse – before you are in relationship with anyone – and then when you meet that person, you’ll have a guide to know if they’re… (whisper of daring hope) the one.”

As a single I wrote my list. Oh, my, did I write my list! I re-copied that list in every journal I kept from the ages of 15-to-28. The List grew longer and longer as I aged.

By the time I met Lizard, I had 32 items on The List. Some of them were significant — “A man who loves God more than he loves me,” “Someone who speaks about me with respect whether I’m in the room or not and welcomes people into our home,” “Intelligent and considerate” — those were all qualities I stand by today (and my husband possesses).

But then there were the… other… items. Things like, “Must be 6′ or taller,” “Likes to drive trucks,” “Can fix things.” There’s nothing wrong with these qualities… yet they aren’t true indicators of a possible pornography addiction, someone who will give the romantic once-over to anyone they see, or a refusal to prioritize free time with an orientation toward children who may or may not expel body fluids on them without a moment’s notice.

The List doesn’t always deal with character traits.

Shallow thinking toward a potential spouse is easy to spot after the fact, but hard to notice in the moment when you’re more interested in chemistry, creating romantic memories, and The Future.

Many a smoldering, athletic body has given away to pudge or injury as time marches on… yet a person’s character acquires a beauty over the course of a lifetime.

I have met many elderly couples whose obvious love makes me clear my throat and furiously blink tears away. Yet at no point have their wrinkles, polyester-dominant fashion sense, and smelliness made me envious. (Not to be rude… but older people do tend to smell. The smells put me off nursing homes completely after a bad Christmas caroling experience as a child.)

Liver spots don’t make a young single’s heart go pitter-patter. But… a handsome character (combined with liver spots) equals a love worth pursuing for a lifetime.

My main point: if you’re shallow, snap out of it! You’re not going to end up happy.

And if you are in a marriage founded on shallowness… well, “rent a backhoe” and get to work deepening your character. It’ll take effort, but it’s worth it in the long run.

If you’re married, what is the most important quality you’d tell a single to look for in their spouse? If you’re single, what quality do you imagine will be most significant in your marriage?

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Stealing Faith

humor for relationships, family & life

Category Archives: I’m Married!

Playing the Field

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Advice to My Younger, Infatuated Self

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Pants On & Hands To Yourself!

Why You’re Still Single

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