Please open your Bibles to the second book of Scentapotamus, chapter 3, and read with me,
“Thou shalt not release acidic flatulence whilst participating in a church service.”
It has come to my attention that some church-goers have a moral failing in the area of gastric abstinence.
Are we all human? Yes! Does everyone pass gas at one point or another? Yes! It is part of our humanness, our biology, our need to digest potato chips, beans and broccoli.
But let us not forget our fellow humans, our compatriots in this earthly race. Releasing the SBDF (Silent But Deadly Fart) in the company of strangers, particularly within the confines of a church service and pew, places an unfair burden on our friends who struggle to cast off the mortal coil.
There is nowhere for the innocent bystander to escape. They are caught in your web of fluffer-doodle, trying to maintain a sanctimonious and worshipful attitude while covering their nose with a bulletin, regretful it is not a scented Kleenex or an oxygen mask fed by Axe deodorant spray.
While our Heavenly Father understands and forgives the release of toxic aromas (knowing and loving us despite our disgrace and sin), there is a need to throw off our selfishness, our lack of self-control, and our disrespect for others. Spiritual maturity is gained while holding the stink within your abdominal cavity until it can be freed in an appropriate environment: the bathroom, outside where the air is fresh and clean, or in the sanctity of your solitude.
In the meantime: hold the southerly wind.
To you naysayers out there, who fear intrinsic intestinal damage at the suppression of the stink bomb, may I remind you:
Every time you spew an air biscuit in public, an innocent kitten dies.
Please. Consider the kittens.
This post was originally published May 4, 2012 and is being recycled as part of the “I’ve Been Around” summer! Hope you enjoyed it and I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!