Hello. My Name Is Anti-Craft.

There have been two separate occasions in the last 24 hours that have reinforced my belief crafted objects are from Satan.

First, I came across an evening bag.

It was the shape of an evening bag, the glittery color of an evening bag, and could be carried clasped under the arm like an evening bag.

But it was not an evening bag. It was a crafted object of plastic canvas and shiny yarn, stitched into one-half inch squares, alternating directions, around the bag.

Someone spent some time on this little gem.

All good intentions present, there is no way it can be an evening bag because there is a written law in the Code of Hamarabi stating: “Any item made of plastic canvas and yarn can in no way be determined as formal wear or accessories.”

That’s the Code of Hamarabi, folks, not the Code of Hobby Lobby!

Steer clear of the plastic crafts.

The second experience was painful.

Beads.

Beads.

In my head it can all be summed up in that one little word: Beads. But you probably need to know my toddler rummaged around in the drawer she’s not allowed to be rummaging around in, grasped the gallon-sized Ziploc bag of beads and began flinging it around with glee.

I don’t know why the zip let loose of its lock but it did. Beads flew. Everywhere.

It was a beaded hailstorm. It was painful.

Beads.

It reinforced my hatred of crafts and craft supplies. If it involves toilet paper tubes, glitter or play dough, count me out.

I mean it.

Oh, I know you good little readers of Family Fun magazine, Crafters Weekly and “I Did It Myself!” will burn me in effigy but I can’t help but say it out loud.

Crafts. ARE. Evil.

No matter what you may say.

OK. There is one disclaimer. I like *some* stuff on Etsy. Haven’t even given Pinterest a try… and I like to sew. But outside of that, why, oh why do you craft??