The Posts that Brought You Here – April Edition

I’ve mentioned the majority of people who stumble upon this website by chance are directed because of two search themes, “I’m sorry” and “size 12 woman.”

In fact, I’ve gotten so used to seeing this in the stats for search terms it’s been quite awhile since I actually looked for other search terms that have led people to this site.

Tonight I clicked “summaries” and got a good chuckle – I think you will, too! Besides being sorry and obsessed with body image, I’m happy to share some of the funniest search terms of the past week and their related posts:

1. “stealing babies pregnant ladies.” Now, see, here’s the deal. Not only do I have some feelings about how inappropriate it is to rub yourself all over my pregnant belly, now someone has me all up in paranoia-land about stealing my baby from my burgeoning belly. That’s just not right.

2. “do not steal craft.” This could be “air-craft” but I’m going to take it as “crafts.” I hate crafts, especially glitter (which my friend taught me is the herpes of craft supplies). Shortly after I confessed my hatred of glitter a friend told me that she, too, hates glitter. Because of this her college roommate sends her greeting cards filled with glitter. That is wrong bottled up in its purest sense. Evil. Regardless, no one needs to worry about me stealing the craft supplies. Ever.

3. “gun hoofs by iris schieferstein.” I figured this had something to do with the little known fact goats can knock their hooves off if they clash hard enough. I did not expect to find Iris Schieferstein is a shoe designer who actually created hairy hoof shoes where the heels are little golden guns. I find this disturbing. And really, really want to see these being worn in public so I can mock mercilessly the woman wearing them.

4. “flying rabbit.” I don’t know if our searcher was worried about a rainfall of rabbits or what, but I do know the post I asked for your creativity about how Mr. Hassenflug got his name is one of my very favorites!

5. “juan pablo cambariere.” No habla Espanol, pero me gusto comida de Mexico! Vive le Juan Pablo!

6. “baby wiener dogs full picture.” I give wiener dogs a hard time. Not too long ago I called them stupid as a breed. I also reported the story of the couple who gave their dachshund LSD. Poor dogs. I should probably be nice at some point, especially if there are people searching for their whole picture.

7. “husband germophobic.” I am so grateful my husband is not a germophobe! It gives me a chance to let my own germ issues run rampant. However, on occasion my husband does have smelly feet… now that opens a can of worms.

8. “www.ninja faith.com” I just think it’s funny to put this blog with the term “ninja.” I never talk about ninjas, with one exception. I have “secret ninja passageways” through town — you know, the special roads you can take to avoid traffic, or steer clear of potholes? I learned this term from my college roommate… and I’ve used it ever since. You don’t know happiness until your four-year-old child asks you if we’re driving on a secret ninja passageway. {Sigh} Happiness!

9. “movies where ben affleck cries.” Ben, no offense, but you don’t cry with authenticity. The worst is in the movie, “Bounce.” There’s a scene with Gwyneth Paltrow where her character admits she started smoking because she wanted to break her addiction to the nicotine patch and then, randomly, here’s Ben’s chin wobbling like the wattle of a turkey. It’s not attractive. It’s awkward. I don’t want to see it again. Of course, I was talking about the movie, “Armageddon” when I first mentioned Ben Affleck getting in touch with his sensitive side. I Googled “how many movies has Ben Affleck cried?” It didn’t give me a real answer, but I did find a page of 30 movies guaranteed to make a man cry. I can’t wait to see what Lizard thinks of this!

10. “running dog.” People seem to think it was wrong for me to turn the Great Dane loose on the kid who decided to literally pee on our business. I don’t agree with that… but I do know the dog wasn’t the only one running and I still get a chuckle over it.

Which of these search terms tickled your funny bone the most? Have you missed the “posts that brought you here” editions?