Wal-Mart Vacation

Edited May 2019: We were a part of a wonderful Classical Conversations community for the first eight years of our home education journey. Now, due to poor state leadership and questionable corporate business practices, our family has elected to “consciously uncouple” from our association with the organization and we cannot recommend any others get involved at this time. 

When you walk into Wal-Mart at 10:55 p.m. and feel like you’re on a vacation simply because you are without children hanging from your legs, you know you need a break.

Speaking from personal experience.

My late-night Wal-Mart run was prompted by procrastination – tomorrow morning will be our last Classical Conversations meeting of the semester and I want to give each member of the class a little something as a gift.

Personally I think any four-year-old or five-year-old who is able to tell me about Byzantine Emperors Constantine and Justinian and why they are historical figures (legalizing Christianity and giving rights to all men, respectively) has earned a scented ball point pen decorated with Rudolph!

I threw in a penguin eraser, just because I’m crazy like that.

In a perfect world I would like to have given them each something handmade. But when I checked Pinterest for ideas far too many of them involved glitter and you all know how much I detest glitter for its sick, reproducing ways.

My time spent wandering through the Christmas section, redone from the home and garden area, was almost a state of bliss because I traveled to the superstore mecca minus children and around our house the last little bit the children have been a force to be reckoned with.

In fact, this afternoon I found myself sitting in a huddle on our kitchen floor, wondering if I really need to ship all of them off to military school. I did a little Google research on it and discovered most military schools prefer their inmates to be tall enough to ride all roller coasters without parents and potty trained.

While we’ve got the potty training down, thanks to 3 Day Potty Training, the roller coaster situation is iffy unless Uno is wearing her boots. Dos and Tres can’t even attempt it, though pluckiness of spirit cannot be doubted. It’s just the facts of genetics and growth that are holding them back.

So military school is not an option, despite the mess of humanity in the form of a mother who vacations at Wal-Mart. If only the home and garden section hadn’t been overtaken by felt Santas and plastic firs I bet I could find a hammock.

And maybe a package of those little paper umbrellas. Yeah. Those are festive and vacation-like.

Alas, it was not to be. Instead I bought my gifts for the kiddos, admired the “As Seen On TV Music Bullet,” the light-up pillows, and lines with no waiting, and headed home.

That was the end of my vacation. In the words of my newest favorite TV show:

‎”It’s Over. Time to pee on the campfire and call in the dogs.”

Phil, Duck Dynasty

Good night.

Have you ever done late night shopping? Did you find it enjoyable or creepy?