Things that Happen In Bed

It has come to my attention something has happened in the bed.

{Get your mind out of the gutter. It’s not that type of blog.}

I recently slipped my legs into bed and was greeted with: crumbs. Lots and lots of crumbs! It’s like our children threw a party under the sheets using muffin-bit confetti.

I like confetti as much as I love glitter. I also hate crumbs.

How is this ok? It’s not even their own beds they are ruining with crumbs! They sneak into our bed and fill it with their grimy bits of food droppings while watching videos on the iPad.

Sometimes I hate my children.

A person’s bed should be sacrosanct. Specifically, I am the person whose bed should be regarded as too important or valuable to be interfered with!

It is a precious location I spend far too little time visiting these days. When I do get to bed the last thing I want is sandpaper in the form of crumbs rubbing against my legs and randomly popping up under my left hip at 2 a.m. I don’t have the energy to be battling crumbs these days.

I’d rather spend my energy sticking my ice-cold toes on my husband’s legs in a maniacal attempt to see him shoot vertically out of bed to a standing position.

He’s done that before, I’ve seen it. When we first moved to the middle of the country we heard a scrabble in the bedroom. It was pitch dark, but my hero of a husband leapt from the bed, scooping up a flip-flop on his way, and smacked the scrabble noise in one motion.

It was a shrew. A smacked, squished shrew.

That husband of mine can move quickly. He’s a gifted athlete with cat-like speed and reflexes, particularly when it comes to rodent eviction.

I don’t know what to do about the crumbs because each time I clean them up I find more lurking the next morning. It’s as though the crumbs are multiplying like rabbits. Or glitter.

I have nothing else to say about this except I’m considering taping our bed off each morning with yellow construction tape and extending a death threat to each member of my family.

What happens in bed, stays in bed. We all know crumbs are crumbs forever.

What do you do when you find crumbs in your bed?