The Posts that Brought You Here: Last Week

It’s been awhile since I did a “Posts that Brought You Here” but yesterday when I was noticing the statistics for the Elf on the Shelf, a few interesting search terms caught my eye.

 

This is only in the last week. I can’t even blame a New Year’s hangover on these suckers.

 

As always, I’ll share the search term and my best guess as to which post turned up for the searcher here at StealingFaith. Oh, and I’ll provide some commentary as well.

 

1. How to dress if I am a pear? My initial thought is if you’re a pear, you’re ok going naked. You might rattled people with a green fetish, but that’s ok because you’re fruity anyway. Now, if you’re talking about the pear-shaped body that plagues many people… well my suggestion is to steer clear of knee-length squaw skirts. My guess is this relates to the post on the most attractive body types for women.

 

2. Worst tongue on pole. This is a toss up. Besides cringing and howling, “Eww!!” at the thought of actually touching your mucous membrane to a germ-infested pole, I suppose this could refer to the post on Christian pole dancing classes. Or maybe my rant about purple Listerine and how it burned my tongue off. I have since discontinued use.

 

3. The most expensive frying pans. I don’t talk about frying pans much as talking about them might lead to actually using one and I have a firm no frying bacon in the nude policy. Whatever that means. Anyway, the frying pan I mentioned most recently was in this post where I discussed my opinions about gun control. Riveting, I tell you.

 

4. suppository childhood stories. Not everyone has a childhood suppository, but if you’re a parent and have had a chance to administer a suppository to your child… well, that’s an experience you’ll never forget. Here’s our violent poop explosion following suppository experience.

 

5. how to stop eagle from carrying kids away on oregon trail. I have such fond memories of the Oregon Trail from junior high. Also Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? Those were the quality games. However, when playing the Oregon Trail I always lost someone in my party to an eagle. Or cholera. Times were rough back then! I never knew we ate the dead Donner-style, until I wrote this post, however.

 

6. james dobson sleepover. I don’t want James Dobson to sleep over. Not only because we live in cramped quarters, but because I think his wife would disapprove of her husband curled up on top of our washing machine since we don’t have a guest room. On the off-chance this searcher wasn’t looking for a chummy night with Dobson, they might have been ok to find my post about why I don’t want my kids attending sleepovers.

 

7. broccoli in a loincloth. Again, with the edible search terms. Neither broccoli or pears need clothing. However, someone needs to tell the Jolly Green Giant to cover up because his loin cloth and green skin can make some colorphobes very uncomfortable.

 

8. mice steal hearing aids. Now that the weather has turned, I’ve been hearing scratching in our walls I want to pretend isn’t really happening. During the summer we made a concerted effort to remove other… dwellers… from our house. Specifically mice. In one post I talked about mice and hearing aids at the same time. This was enough to fool Google into believing a mouse with kleptomania would go after a senior citizen’s hearing aid. Who knew?!

 

And that, my friends, is all I have to say about that. Enjoy the quirks of our fellow human beings – and if you’re a new reader who arrived using one of these terms… let me know! I bet I can find you a prize… like a naked pear or broccoli.